Two Differences Between Shepherding Toddlers and Older Children

One of the blessings of speaking to young parents is the feedback I receive regarding shepherding the hearts of children. Two issues surface frequently showing the need for greater clarity.

I am often asked, “How can I help my toddler understand the heart of selfishness? I don’t want to just correct him; I want to shepherd his heart.” As you have probably observed, most toddlers are not terribly self-conscious about motivation. It will be far more difficult to have a meaningful dialog with a toddler than with a teenager. Teens are more self-aware and therefore, possess a greater capacity for such a discussion.

So I usually tell parents, “You can’t really talk with toddlers about motivational issues. They lack the sophistication and insight needed to meaningfully talk about heart issues.” What a parent must do with a toddler is present the standard of God’s law using good robust words. One might say, “Honey, you must give that toy back to your brother. He was playing with it. It is selfish for you to take it from him. That is not serving your brother. Jesus says we should be kind to others.”

The parent is setting out an expectation and providing biblical terms to describe sin (selfish) and righteousness (serving, kind). It would be fruitless to ask the toddler what he was thinking or feeling at the time. He lacks both the grammar and the insight to respond.

So, for the young child, the proper intervention is to direct appropriate behavior and provide biblical descriptions of what is wrong and what would be right.

Another common misunderstanding of shepherding relates to older children. Many have the idea that since we are shepherding hearts, not just requiring behavior, we cannot hold our children to a standard. One dad said, “I did not want to be a legalist and tell him he had to share with his sister, I wanted to shepherd his heart.”

There are three things wrong with this statement. 1) It is not legalism to require children to do what is right. Legalism is a false path of salvation. Legalism is the idea that I can earn acceptance before God by doing what is right. 2) Shepherding the heart does not mean I cannot tell him to share with his sister. Telling my son to share with his sister is appropriate. God’s law calls him to do that; Dad has no right to lower God’s standard. 3) Shepherding the heart is about maintaining biblical standards.

Shepherding a child’s heart tells me how to maintain those standards. Shepherding means I come to him as a humble person who understands how hard it is to share. It means I appeal to his conscience; that instructs him that sharing is right. Shepherding means I encourage him that God can give grace to share even when it is hard to do. If he is old enough to deal with abstract concepts, shepherding means I help him understand the ways his unwillingness to share expresses love of self rather than love for God that would enable him to love his sister.

The goal in all this is to help children understand how profoundly they need the grace and mercy of God. The law of God is the schoolmaster that leads to Christ.

Tedd Tripp