…if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?" Daniel 3:15b

If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17&18

How has the crisis in the financial markets affected your mood? This current situation is spoken about in dire terms: financial panic, depression, chaos, economic disaster, global meltdown. Christian parent, how is the situation influencing your mood and demeanor? As of this writing, Congress is struggling to pass legislation quickly that will ease economic worries and restore stability to the financial markets. Are you comforted as you watch the continuously updating news reports about what lawmakers are or aren’t doing? As I have listened to the news this weekend, I have yet to hear one reporter, anchor, lawmaker or candidate utter the most obvious of realities – God is in control and he will care for his people. I have not heard anyone on the national stage say that God’s wisdom must be sought to resolve this economic mess.

Because we don’t hear the experts and pundits acknowledging the power of God, we might forget that all of these events are unfolding just as God has known that they would. Sadly, our leaders have assumed the role of Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 3. By refusing to acknowledge the power of God, even over the volatile financial markets, there is an implicit challenge to Christians that God is either unwilling or unable to help in this crisis. How do your children see you reacting to these times and events? It is important for them to see you respond with the confidence that no matter which way things turn out, God is still God, he will care for his own, and he must be honored and praised.

You and I have no way of knowing whether this patchwork of legislative compromises will bring the hoped-for stability. But you serve the same God that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego served. They did not flinch from giving honor to God regardless of whether they would suffer the furnace or not; so you must encourage your children that God will be faithful and that he is worthy of praise regardless of what happens.

To many Christians, the uncertainty of the economic bailout and the upcoming election give pause and the temptation to worry. The reality is that you cannot control the decisions of Congress any more than you can control the power of a hurricane or of an earthquake. What you can do, just as the three brave Israelites did long ago, is to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and leave the worrying to Congress and the news media.

Even if economic disaster does strike, your ability to honor God will not be hindered. While you pray for wisdom for our leaders, you can have confidence that, like Paul, you can trust God and serve him in plenty and in want. Don’t miss this opportunity to point your children to the comfort of the living God.

In the next post we will return to the current series on communication with your teenagers.

Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. II Timothy 2:22

In addition to the points raised in recent posts, there may be another reason why teenagers suddenly become silent and distant. As has been observed by most of the known world, the teenage years are a time of change. One change is the emergence of youthful lusts that Paul warns about in 2 Timothy. The word for lust used in the passage above is also translated as “passions or desires.” With the onset of puberty a new physical dimension is added to the already potent mixture of selfishness and desire for immediate gratification. A twelve- or thirteen-year-old may be overwhelmed by this new, powerful, and enticing set of temptations. Parents, this is one reason why you should address selfishness forcefully in your younger children. A fixation with favorite toys or activities can be a self-centeredness that will manifest later as enslavement to the passions of youth—if it is not addressed at the heart level.

The dangers of youthful lusts are illustrated in the narrative of Amnon and Tamar in 2 Samuel 13. Amnon’s heart, his inner being, is consumed with lust and passion. The same thing can happen to your teenagers. It is not the natural pattern (although it is desirable), for your teenage son to come to you and announce that he is struggling with pornography and sexual fantasies. But there are other ways to be aware of this struggle. Even though movies and other worldly influences teach that hedonism is fun and harmless, the impact on your teenagers is quite the opposite. Teenagers who are trapped by these desires are drawn in by the raging desires they produce. At the same time their guilt and shame over contemplating these desires push them away from parents and those who could help them. Many teenagers in Christian families live a double life that, on the one hand has to do with normal family life, school, church, and the “common” tasks of living. On the other hand, they are enslaved in a world of deceit, feeding desires that will not be satisfied, that often lead to masturbation, pornography or actual fornication. The two worlds are diametrically opposed to each other and your teenager may be passing back and forth between them on a daily basis.

As 2 Samuel 13 shows us, youthful lusts are nothing new. However, what is new today is the easy and pervasive access to graphic images that entice as well as enslave. Anyone with an Internet connection is just a mouse click away from free gateways to the most perverse forms of sexual immorality. I recall seeing a TV show a couple of years ago that had as one of its subplots a teenage boy who had run up thousands of dollars on his parents’ credit cards by viewing online pornography. Today these same images and movies are free and accessible to all. Simply typing a phrase on a search engine will access the entire world of movies, images, stories, chat rooms and more. While some pornographic sites charge for these things, more and more do not. You may place Internet filters on your home computers, but that may not be enough to protect your teenagers. Laptops and smart phones allow pornography to be displayed anywhere—the neighbor’s house, school, church, camping trips—anywhere.

If your teenagers have grown distant and silent, one factor that you must consider is that they have been caught up in this web of perversion and lust. While the thought of your children being involved in this type of sin is almost beyond contemplating, you must realize it is a possibility.

If your child is withdrawn, counter that with warmth and kindness. If you have not discussed with your children the problems of lust and the passions the world offers, it is time to start. There are appropriate chapters in Shepherding a Child’s Heart to help you with some of these concerns. Encourage your church to address these issues that young people face. The point of the last post was to work prayerfully at creating a relational climate in your home in which your children will come to you with the questions and struggles they have. One way to understand the struggles that exist with your teenager is to understand how the lust cycle works. I’ll have a separate post on this shortly.

But most importantly, show the mercy of Christ and the power of the gospel to your teenagers. Don’t measure them by their performance. Psalm 103 and Matthew 18:21-35 teach that we are not to treat others as their sins deserve. While you must hold out God’s truth for your children, this must be done with the grace of the gospel. Pray for your children. Be thankful for them, even in the midst of their struggles, silence and sin.

In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Deuteronomy 6:20-21

A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
    but delights in airing his own opinions. Proverbs 18:2

How do you measure your effectiveness at listening to your children? Besides the self-conscious concern to implement Proverbs 18:15, there is one tangible way to confirm that you are on the right track. You can gauge the effectiveness of your listening by the questions your children ask you. That’s right—good listening on your part will encourage good questions from your children. You want to be asked good questions. This is an important goal of parenting that is often overlooked.

Allow me to illustrate. When you have the opportunity to meet with someone that you respect how does the conversation go? Do you immediately start making statements and pronouncements to this person? Or do you think of questions that you want to ask because you value this person’s opinion? If you had the opportunity to spend some time with a famous Bible teacher, would you use all of the time to tell this teacher about your personal insights into various topics—or would you think of questions to ask so that you could learn more? When you need help with a problem, do you look for answers from any random person? Someone next to you at the gas pump, perhaps? The answer is obvious. You ask the people whom you trust and respect.

One more illustration. Young children ask parents seemingly endless questions. They do this, in part, because parents are the center of their world. There is no one that means more to them than mom and dad. Asking questions is a sign of respect and appreciation. Be thankful. As a parent, you want to keep the questions coming. I have seen too many parents get exasperated with the questions of young children. While parental exasperation will eventually diminish the questions (bringing short-term relief), it may also result in a diminished relationship with older children and teenagers.

The active, aggressive listener that Proverbs 18:15 talks about will recognize the types of questions that are asked—and the questions that are not asked. If your teenagers are asking logistical questions, such as can I have the car, or when is dinner, this should warn you that the important questions are going to someone else. Your goal is to have your kids ask you about the hard things in life. But like you, your teenagers will reserve those question for the people whom they respect and trust.

Suppose a friend from church calls and asks you for advice on some relational issue. You immediately tell her that she must not have been listening to the sermons because the pastor just spoke on that very issue. You go on to say that if she were not always late to church she might be in better shape to actually listen to the sermon. You then remind the caller of several other areas where she has failed, and you question if she is really serious about being a Christian. You suggest several books for her to read and you finish by telling her you hope you have been helpful. Over time you wonder why she has never called back for more “help.”

This example illustrates the danger warned about in Proverbs 18:2. The fool delights to air his own opinions. When your child asks you a question it is an indication of trust, at least to some degree. When the questions don’t come, it is also an indication of a lack of trust to some degree.

How do you rectify this? Simply telling your teenager that he must ask you questions about things that bother him won’t get the job done. You need to create a relational climate in which your teenagers want to come to you. Listen carefully to your children and observe the things that they struggle with. Take an interest in the things they seem to be interested in. Ask them genuine questions about their interests. If you have been insensitive to them, ask their forgiveness. Look to build—or possibly to rebuild—your relationship. Pray for compassion and concern for your children. This may take time, but if you pursue your teenagers as you would a valued friend or colleague, things will begin to change. I understand that you must still give instruction and direction to your teenagers. I am not suggesting that you abdicate your authority as parent. But as 2 Corinthians 13:10 teaches, you want your authority to be seen as building up rather than tearing down.

As you practice this biblical model of aggressively listening, monologues will give way to hearing and answering good questions.

Parents, here is a helpful post from Justin Taylor's blog about the current financial unrest. You can find the article here.

Justin's blog, Between Two Worlds, is a great place to keep up with theological and cultural happenings.

In this series of posts we are looking at the communication breakdowns that often occur between parents and teenagers. What once appeared to be a good relationship with lots of interaction can deteriorate to silent, disinterested teens enduring parental monologues. After such an encounter, more than one parent has turned away, asking with an aching heart, why is this happening?

In the last post we looked at the command in Proverbs 18:15 to be aggressive listeners. This listening is not just for current exchanges, but includes remembering the conversations of the past. When did the conversations start to drift towards the monologues that typify current communication with your teenagers? Try to remember events from your child’s perspective. It is important to recognize that your children are often on the front lines of battle as a result of lifestyle decisions you make. For example, perhaps you don’t allow your family to watch American Idol, Survivor, or other reality programs. This is a lifestyle decision you have made because you don’t think that sort of program is helpful. So far, so good. But look with me at the price your child might pay for your attempt to protect her from the world.

Your sixth grader goes to school and one of the “in” kids in the class asks if she watched American Idol last night. Your daughter hems and haws and says no, she had homework to do. So, the next question is, well, you saw last week’s show, right? Again, your daughter stammers around and says no, she didn’t. Well, have you EVER watched American Idol? Your daughter, a little flushed and a little embarrassed and a lot wishing she could be somewhere else, says no, she never has. The leader of the in crowd says in a loud voice for all to hear – You never watched American Idol?! Dude – talk about weird! This exclamation is followed by mocking laughter as the other kids move away, following the cool leader of the in crowd. Your daughter is so distressed that she does poorly on a test she would normally have done well on. By the time she comes home she is moody and distant. You greet her at the door and ask how her test went. She mumbles something and attempts to head for her room. You stop her and remind her that you have a lot to do this afternoon and don’t be long getting ready, and then ask again how the test went. She says with a sad voice that she doesn’t want to talk about it and she isn’t feeling well and she just wants to lie down. You say—what’s wrong, are you sick, are you running a fever, does your head hurt, was it something you had for lunch? This is really a bad time to be sick … and what happened with the test? She says in exasperation, mom, I have to go the bathroom and I really don’t feel good, and she runs off. You call after her that this is something you will bring up with her father… Later you and her dad conclude maybe she was just having a bad day and that out of consideration for your daughter you really don’t need to talk about it anymore. Sure enough, the next morning she seems fine, if a little reserved. But because of the busyness of life the matter is forgotten. While it may be forgotten by the parents, it lives on, seared into the memory of the daughter.

This child has been on the frontlines of her parent’s decision. (I owe this insight to Tedd Tripp from a conversation we had years ago.) As a parent, you have proudly told other parents that American Idol is not something that is watched at your house. You even receive encouragement from others applauding your strong stand. Your daughter, however, received no such encouragement from her peers; she was on the front lines, taking fire for a decision that was not hers and that she did not fully understand. All that she knows is that by following her parents’ direction she became a social outcast.

The actual decision not to watch American Idol is not the main issue. The point is that your children need to know why you make such decisions. You need to consider the impact of this decision in the life of your children. It would be wise to discuss with your daughter how to handle the questions about American Idol that will inevitably come her way. Discussing a scenario like the one above is a kind thing to do for your child.

My point, however, is that if your child is not able to talk about such an event with you,  there will begin to be a distance between the two of you. Add a few more instances like this one, over the months leading to the teenage years, and all of a sudden (suddenly to you, the parent, at least) you have a teenager with whom monologues have become routine.

This is what I mean by being an aggressive listener. Take the time to realize that there may have been things you have missed that have significantly impacted your children. If this is the case, then you have given answers without listening, or at least that is what your children believe. So, when you observe that your daughter has gotten moody and uncommunicative and you instruct her, in effect, to get over the bad attitude, your answer is given without understanding and listening. This is not good.

I realize the above scenario may not fit your family or situation exactly. But I hope that you will see the possibilities of significant events in your child’s life that might be similar.

So, what is the solution to these types of scenarios? The answer may seem impossible. I will give it to you anyway, and we can look at how it applies in future posts.

The answer is to get your teenagers to ask you questions.

As always, I look forward to your comments and questions.

For I am the LORD your God,
    Who churns up the sea so that its waves roar—
    the LORD Almighty is his name. Isaiah 51:15
   
The men were amazed and asked,
"What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" Matthew 8:27

I heard a famous TV reporter this morning, standing by the sea wall in Galveston Bay, describe the scene of Hurricane Ike's approach. As he was pelted by the water crashing over the sea wall, he described the waters of the Gulf of Mexico as angry waters. He then said the waves were wicked waves.

It is telling that weather systems are described with language that indicates purpose and intent, as if these systems had minds of their own. Yet, as the Scriptures teach us, it is God who stirs up the waters and causes storms, even Ike, to roar. God is not ashamed to identify himself as the cause of these events; neither should we.

One purpose of this blog is to help parents identify the power of God in all of life. This provides you with powerful testimony to give to your children about the work of God on earth.

Ike is a large hurricane, impacting hundreds of miles of coastline. The human and economic devastation from Ike is likely to surpass the damage done by Katrina and Gustav. The TV network evening anchors have not rushed to Galveston and Houston to cover the approach of Ike the way they did for Gustav, demonstrating again, as we have noted in previous posts, that news reporting is selective by nature.

The power of God is on display as Ike approaches. This is important data for your children to grasp. How devastating this storm will become is up to God and God alone. People’s lives are at risk. Property damage could be catastrophic. Energy prices could skyrocket even beyond current levels—or the storm could weaken and not bring the devastation that is possible.

What is important is that this is God’s doing. He is once again reminding us of his great, awesome power. This storm is but a tiny fraction of the power that our God has at his command. Don’t make the mistake that the eager reporter made—attributing the acts of God to random chance and ascribing intentions to waves and wind rather than to God himself.

The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
     the ears of the wise seek it out. Proverbs 18:15

One of our readers left the following as part of a comment to the post, How Sin Works – Application to Teenagers:
“It is hard to dialogue and not monologue with a 13 year old who doesn’t respond. Any suggestion?”

This mom is not alone. Parents are frustrated by contrasts. Contrasts, such as when you observe your teenager talking a mile-a-minute with friends and yet, when you talk with him, his exuberance collapses into strained monosyllables.
    Did you have a good day? Sort of.
    How was your test? Okay.
    Do you have homework? Maybe.
    Do you have plans this weekend? Not sure.
    Is anything bothering you? No.
    Did you clean your room? Not yet.
    I thought maybe we could talk later on. Why?
    What did you think of the sermon? It was okay.
    Why are you so hard to talk to? Aw, mom.
After you finish with a well-intended assessment of how things can be better, including appropriate Bible verses, your son says, Can I go now?

Such exchanges are disheartening. After the time and energy spent in raising your child to the teenage years, with all the love you have in your heart for him, it seems unfair and confusing for your child to act as though your relationship with him is such a burden. So what do you do – think of more creative monologues?

Let me suggest the path given by Proverbs 18:15 – become an aggressive and wise listener. I can hear someone asking, “How to do you listen to someone who won’t even talk to you?” Good question. This verse is talking about listening that seeks for knowledge and understanding. This is not so much about listening to monosyllables as it is about considering the words that led to things as they are now. Parents, think carefully and pray earnestly that God will help you to listen. Make a time to sit down with your spouse and recall how conversations have changed in the last several years of your teenager’s life. What shaping influences have been at work? If your teenager seems suddenly distant, that did not happen in a moment. Most likely, the change occurred over time. This change is often obscured by busy schedules or challenging events in the lives of parents. When your child was eight, things seemed fine. Then increasingly busy schedules, work loads, job changes, or health issues caused you to overlook the transition to one-way conversations. Replay the conversations of the past few years. Follow the model of Ephesians 4:29 and think about how your children have received the words that you have spoken to them over these last few years.

During your struggles, your teenagers have also faced their struggles. They have begun to emerge as adults. Your teenager’s thoughts, hormones, abilities, bodies, even their voices are in the process of awkward change. What words—or perhaps lack of words —have you missed? As Tedd Tripp often encourages parents, this is not a time to beat yourself up if you discover that your speech and actions were insensitive to your teenager. It is all too easy to think of eight- to twelve-year-olds as just bigger versions of five-year-olds, except that now they can do more to help.

Life can change from monologues to dialogues again. But to get started, listen. Listen to those words that you missed the first time through. Think carefully about the events that have impacted your teenager. What influences have shaped your family these last several years? Give these things some thought. We’ll look at this more in the next post.

The political conventions are finished. Now begins the 60 day sprint towards election day. These next few weeks will have a significant impact on your family. Your ability to trust in God will be on display before your children and others who are close to you. I will have several posts on this topic. To get things started here is a previous post on this topic. Take some time to consider the legacy you leave to your children.

2008 is a leap year. The Summer Olympic Games will be held. Who knows what memorable events from 2008 will go down in history? In America  there will be a presidential election.  That election also marks the end of a president’s term in office. As that term draws to a close much is made of the legacy of that president. Political observers ponder how history will view the legacy of a president. Some presidents become obsessed with their legacy—their place in history. Decisions are made with an eye towards protecting and enhancing the elusive prize of a favorable legacy. In the end, a president’s legacy is determined by what was done, not by how he wanted others to think of him.

In contrast, parents often give too little thought to the legacy they are creating. Although contemplating your legacy may seem egotistical, the fact is that every parent does leave a legacy. Your legacy will be told in the lives of your children. Your parental legacy deserves your attention. The Bible speaks of this legacy in Psalm 78:4-7:

  4 We will not hide them from their children;
       we will tell the next generation
       the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
       his power, and the wonders he has done.

5 He decreed statutes for Jacob
       and established the law in Israel,
       which he commanded our forefathers
       to teach their children,

6 so the next generation would know them,
       even the children yet to be born,
       and they in turn would tell their children.

7 Then they would put their trust in God
       and would not forget his deeds
       but would keep his commands.

Your legacy will be told in the lives of your children. What will your grandchildren think of God? This is what verse 6 is addressing in Psalm 78. The psalmist looks into the future to see the impact of the gospel on children who are yet unborn, who will in turn tell their children of the glory of God.

Shaping influences will have much to say in determining your parental legacy. Tedd Tripp describes the impact of these influences: “The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience.”  While as a parent you may have limited ability to control some of the things that make up your child’s life experience—things like sickness, natural disasters, providential acts such as accidents and unexpected accidents or deaths—you have a much greater opportunity to influence how a child interacts with these experiences.

For example, let’s take the political climate of an election year. Parents, do you worry about the candidate who will be elected? In this particular election year many Christians are concerned about the potential nominees. Do your children see you fearful, discouraged, and even angry about the choice of candidates? Does this concern prevent you from communicating the comfort that God is the one establishes authorities (Colossians 1:15-20 and Daniel 2:21)? Will you pass on to your children an attitude of confidence that God is on the throne even when the political situation is bleak? Or will they interact with life with worry, frustration or perhaps apathy?

I Timothy 2 directs Christians to pray for those in government. This is a powerful legacy to give to your children. Imagine the stability of a home where prayer brings comfort and hope in troubled political times.

Political perspective is just one aspect of your parental legacy. Perhaps you can think of others. Leave your thoughts in the comments section. Let’s work together to give our children a legacy that will be carried forward to their children.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

Sin’s deceitfulness targets teenagers particularly. As Timothy warns, youthful passions must be avoided and righteousness pursued with great energy. We have already addressed the youthful scheming of Jonadab and Amnon. Amnon’s desires made him an easy target. He craved his sister, Tamar, and was willing to take whatever shortcuts and schemes seemed viable in order to satisfy his sensual passions. His headlong pursuit of immediate gratification had a fatal outcome. That is where living for the moment can lead.

In the 21st century, the entertainment media and advertising industry have assumed the role of Jonadab for our teenagers. You can have it. You deserve it. Do what it takes to get it now. Commercials that offer fast food, beer, cars, clothing, and safe sex all emphasize this unholy trinity of sensual desire  (Eph. 4:17-19). Jonadab could have earned a rich living on Madison Avenue. So, this is how teenagers and adults are being encouraged to live. What do you do? Somehow, simply saying, “Don’t do that!” rings empty.

Notice Paul’s encouragement – flee youthful passions and pursue God. This must be your message – flee and pursue.

Encouraging your teens to pursue God with passion is a difficult challenge if you, as parents, are not wholeheartedly pursuing God yourselves. The best way to counter living for the moment is for you, yourself, to have a vision that extends well beyond the moment. Tedd Tripp says that you must have a three generation vision to be an effective parent (Psalm 78:4). In other words, your parenting must include a vision for your grandchildren. If you discipline only to solve problems for the moment you will confirm for your children that only the moment matters. You will help promote the very patterns of sin you are seeking to avoid.

For example, telling your children to be quiet because their play is preventing you from listening to the game can only reinforce the desire to live for the moment. Discipline must always have God as its focus. Teaching children to be considerate must be based upon God’s directions. Your game, in and of itself, has no more value than your children’s play. I have seen situations where the remote is used to turn up the volume as the children get louder. The louder the TV, the louder the children become. Finally, Dad explodes, “Can’t you kids see I’m trying to watch the game?!!” The kids run for cover and Dad quickly turns back to the game because it is third and goal.

God has not been honored in this situation.  These types of situations with younger children will not lead to the conversations that your teenagers will need to combat the deceitfulness of sin that seeks to ensnare them.

What does God want? He wants parents to consider the dangers of living for the moment. Youthful passions are driven by tyranny — I want what I want, and I want it NOW! Parental training must envision more than a quiet house. Parental training must envision a life that is lived for God. If the game, the movie, or the political show are, in actual practice, more important than the careful discipline and training of your children, you are encouraging your children in ways that are harmful.

Take time to work with your teenagers to show them the impact of following youthful passions. Passages like 2 Tim. 2:22 and Ephesians 4:17-19 provide the conceptual framework for your discussions. Passages like 2 Samuel 13 and Proverbs 7 depict the life experiences that are behind these concepts. Plan to have discussions that show the long term impact of living for the moment. Don’t lecture, but engage your teenagers.  These kinds of conversations call for wisdom that is skillfully applied. Think carefully about how to approach your teenager.  Perhaps these are the very areas where you struggle as well.  Let me know your thoughts.

The LORD does whatever pleases him,
    in the heavens and on the earth,
    in the seas and all their depths. Psalm 135:6

An AP headline today read "Gustave Spares Worst for New Orleans." This headline credits the thing created with the actions of the Creator. It may seem a small thing. It is not. God and God alone is the one who determined the path of Gustav. It appears from the forecasters that the eastern U.S. will be in for a round of hurricanes this next week. Don't miss this opportunity to point your children to the one whom the wind and waves obey. This week could bring a series of near-misses or it could bring massive destruction and loss of life. What is important is that your children recognize and praise the Lord of heaven and earth who makes these storms occur so that he will be honored for who he is. Help them to see this great truth amidst the headlines.

Here are some related posts on this theme:

Perspective – Talking to Your Children about the Midwest Floods

You display your power among the peoples

God & News Reporting

God, Cyclones, Earthquakes and the News