March 2009 Archives

Readers, your comments are a major part of this blog. We are grateful for your interaction and the opportunity to address questions and concerns that interest you. Just one disclaimer - the answers that we give here can only be principial in nature. Without being able to sit down with you face to face and carefully collect data, specific application is unwise. So please remember that as you read posts and responses to comments. However, there is great value in considering possible responses to questions that you raise. Here is one such recent comment and question:

Question: We struggle with a child who constantly corrects the other siblings, and often with a tone of voice that is harsh. We have tried the sit-down method (bringing the gospel to bear), but often are guilty of the incident-to-incident approach. I hesitate to use spanking for this, since it is not rebellion toward a parent, however, it seems that having the child reflect (a/k/a timeout) would have the child being constantly sitting in a chair. It seems as if nothing works: the behavior is still there!

Any thoughts? I know that's not much to go on, but any help towards bringing the gospel to bear would be appreciated.

The ABC News program Nightline is running a series of programs entitled "Face-Off." Particular ideas or points of view are debated by proponents and detractors of the topic in question. The topic for discussion on the March 26^th program was "Does Satan Exist?" One of the experts on the panel that night was New Age guru Deepak Chopra. Chopra is a best-selling author and favorite speaker on public television. In his opening comments he forcefully stated that healthy people don't need Satan. He went on to claim that Satan is a mythical figure.

Chopra spoke with confidence, and with disdain towards those who believe Satan is real. His words, that  healthy people don't need Satan, bring to mind the words of Christ in Matthew 9:12: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

In the last post in this series, Joshua's mom responded to his complaining attitude with a careful, thoughtful response that seems almost unrealistic. How could a mother respond this carefully in the middle of a busy afternoon? Obviously, this was a response that she had planned for. The communication between Mom and Dad was good. He was the one who remembered how hard it had been for him when one of his good friends moved away, when he was about the same age as Joshua. They had both noticed Joshua being more moody and complaining. The parents had been talking about this for a few days. They planned ahead to have family worship that focused on Philippians 2:14-16. They agreed on that particular day that Mom would look for an opportunity to talk with Joshua when he complained about being asked to do something.

In a recent post I described a stressed mom talking to her son, Joshua. This mother was correcting Joshua for complaining. And it was essential that his mom give him both correction and direction. Let's take another look at that example and consider in detail how a mom could respond more helpfully.

For this illustration we will assume that remedial verbal discipline was the appropriate response. Just saying that phrase--remedial verbal discipline--sounds heavy and confrontational, invoking memories of lectures and sharp tones. Correcting Joshua about complaining was not a pleasant task, but one of heaviness and duty. Complaining is not good; it is not trusting God, and it is not making Mom's life any easier. The other siblings heard Josh's complaints and Mom was sure the entire household would soon shift into complaint mode. Mom feared that this season of complaining might last for several years so she knew she had to take decisive action! So she said these words:

The news is filled with outrage about bonuses paid to employees of the government-bailed -out insurance giant AIG. Every day we hear cries of unfairness, greed and shock. Even the President has said that he is stunned by these bonuses. We seem to be caught in an unending series of outrageous events. Have you noticed the underlying conviction that is driving the outrage? This conviction has to do with fairness and what we deserve. We don’t deserve to have out of control spending and increased taxes. We don’t deserve to have business executives who are greedy. We don’t deserve to have government leaders who are incompetent. We don’t deserve to have a bad economy and its resulting complications. And the list goes on and on.

How should Christians respond to all of this? We can certainly agree that things are economically challenging. We can agree that political leadership has been less than exemplary. We can agree that the housing markets have fallen. But do we really agree that all of this is not fair and that we deserve better? The solutions offered all appear to lie in the arena of government doing more or less. Some political persuasions want the government to be more involved. Others want the government to be less involved. But all seem to agree that things are not fair – we don't deserve this.

The economic problems that we face are the result of a people who functionally believe that God is not necessary anymore. Listen to the words of our political and business leaders. I have yet to hear any government leader or political pundit call for a national day of prayer and repentance as an appropriate response to the difficulties we now face. Repentance? What does repentance have to do with any of this?

When people think first of financial security and what they deserve, they automatically lose sight of God. If that seems too strong a statement, consider what Christ says about the rich fool in Luke 12:16-21

And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop.He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Notice carefully the thinking of the rich fool. He believes that his hard work has produced a rich harvest—one that will produce a life of ease for years to come. It is what he deserves. Perhaps he even plans to share some of his wealth with family and friends. The life that he deserves, the good life, is now within his grasp. But how does God respond?

God is concerned with building riches that go beyond the material. The rich fool reasoned that he was deserving of his good fortune. Sadly, this man's attitude is not unlike the attitude of our own culture. We believe the good life is for us. It is our right to take life easy, to eat, drink and be merry. The rich fool, like many today, thinks of only what he deserves.

However, do we want to join the mood of the world around us and start asking God to give us what we deserve? I think not. That is why I mentioned repentance. Collectively, our country has not been rich toward God. We have become preoccupied with the good life. But when we consider the holiness of God, crying out in repentance is in order, rather than clamoring for what we deserve. If Christians are to be salt and light, then we must distance ourselves from the demands for fairness and the insistence on what is due us. What we deserve is hell—but we have been the recipients of the mercy and grace of God lavished upon us (Ephesians 1:8).

Parents, these uncertain financial and political times provide an opportunity to show your children what true riches are. Do you delight in being rich towards God? The world says that responsibility is following the formula of the rich fool: work hard, get a good return, and take life easy. God says in Luke 12 that life is about more than this. Life is about building true riches, riches that are certain and will not take wings and vanish. What is fair? When you consider what is really fair, what you really deserve, you must immediately think of repentance, not gains in the stock market. Let us rejoice in the mercy of Christ that gives to us what we do not deserve.

The next post will return to the current series about the word of God being a light to your eyes.

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John begins his gospel with two striking descriptions of Jesus. John says Jesus is the word and then he says Jesus is the light of men. This interwoven imagery describing Christ as Word and Light permeates the Bible. This imagery of Word and Light is unique to the Bible. Moses says over and over to the Israelites that the Word of God is life itself. The psalms frequently refer to the Word as light ("Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path," Psalm 119:105). In Psalm 19:8, the Holy Spirit was not just employing nice sounding metaphors:  "The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes."  He was anticipating the person of Jesus Christ. Yes, the law of God itself is precious, but remember that the Holy Spirit had already chosen the words of John when he had David pen the words in Psalm 19. The wonder of this Psalm would be fully known only through Jesus Christ, the Word and the Light. All the Scriptures speak of Christ.

This same dependence upon Jesus through his Word must characterize you as a parent. Anyone can communicate a set of principles and moral values, but only a Christian parent can bring the true power of Scripture to bear in daily conversations. And his commands are not burdensome; the daily repetition of biblical truth should not be a boring, grating irritation to our children.  Like a sunny spring day that renews your spirit—only much more so—the commands of God bring joy to your heart and light to your eyes.

In the last two posts, I have asked you to think carefully about what the word of God means to you. Considering Psalm 19:8 and John 1 together, we see the uniqueness of the Bible. These words not only speak about God, but the words bring the life of God to his children. That is why Hebrews 4:12 says the word of God is living and active.

Parenting is a draining, demanding responsibility. If you use Scripture for the purpose of controlling your children’s behavior, you will miss the point. Scripture used in this way will only leave you feeling more drained. Confrontation with Scripture is a confrontation with God. So, even in discipline, the joy and light of the Bible should dominate your thoughts and attitudes. You are bringing the person of Jesus Christ into the lives of your children. As it brought joy to shepherds to bring their sheep back to the flocks, it should be a joy to you to call your children to Christ as you give them his word. Here is an example of what I mean.

Joshua, you know the Bible says in Philippians 2 that you must not complain about doing what Mommy asks you to do. Now, stop your complaining and get to work. Remember, children should obey their parents. I don’t want to hear any more complaining. Is that clear?

Now, has this mother used the Bible to instruct her son? Yes and no. She has used things taught in the Bible, but she has used these truths in the rote fashion that Isaiah 29:13 warns against. She is right to address Joshua’s complaining spirit. But her goal should be to see the life changing truths of Scripture bring joy to Joshua. By obeying God, Joshua can know the joy of doing what Jesus did, the joy of bringing honor to his heavenly Father. By obeying his mom from his heart, he is doing something of great significance. He has the opportunity to participate in the kingdom business of Jesus Christ. You see, this is about much more than having Joshua doing his work in a way that is annoying his mother. That is what Philippians 2:14-16 is really teaching.

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, ¹⁶holding fast to the word of life, ….

There is much more to this passage than just stopping grumbling. The apostle Paul says that by having an eager spirit of obedience, rather than a complaining, questioning spirit, you can shine as light in a dark, perverse world. Wow! In contrast, Joshua’s mom was just trying to stop an unpleasant attitude. So she responded with negative direction. Yes, she referenced Scripture. But she was not embracing its power, which brings light to the eyes and joy to the heart. Parents, you have a wonderful calling – to bring the Word of life to your children.

We will talk more about this in upcoming posts. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts.

How important is the Bible to you? I don’t mean how important would you like it to be to you or to your children. What I mean is—how important is the Bible to you and the way you live?  You want your children to follow the ways of Scripture. You want them to know its content.   You want them to know its Author. You know that what the Holy Spirit has written in his Word is essential for life.  But allow me to ask again, how important is the Bible to you? Is there a chance that you love what the Bible will do for you, but you struggle with actually loving it?

"Okay," someone is asking, "where are you going with this?  Of course I love the Bible; it is the most important book I own."  You see, the real test of the Bible's importance to you is this—how alive is the Scripture to you?  Hebrews 4:12 describes the Bible as being living and active. Is this merely a fact you teach your kids? Or does this phrase in Hebrews speak of you? Do you read the Bible simply to increase  your knowledge—or to be spiritually fed and enlivened as you read?

We know that our children must trust the Bible and live it. But do our children see that these words of God are living and working in us? Do our children know that the Bible defines who we are and how we live? The prophet Isaiah warned against following words learned by rote:

 And their worship of me
      is nothing but man-made rules learned by rote. Isaiah 29:13

Surely, you want more than rote knowledge to be the basis of your children’s worship.  But for it to be more than rote for your kids, it must be more than rote for you. It must be alive to you.  What is it that gives light to your eyes and brings joy to your heart?  This is a significant question, a question whose answer is at once disarming and revealing, if honestly asked and answered.

There is no more powerful gift you can give to your children than for the Word of God to bring light to your own eyes. Think about your relationship to God’s Word. How important is it to you? Does it bring light to your eyes as nothing else can? Truly, Jesus is the Light of the World.  Continue to think about the words of the Psalmist – do they describe you?

  ⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,
       giving joy to the heart.
       The commands of the LORD are radiant,
       giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:8

Familiarity breeds contempt. This saying has been around since the days of the early Greeks, some 2,600 years ago.  In a similar vein Jesus observed that a prophet has no honor in his own hometown (John 4:44 ESV ).  What about the Bible? As a reader of this blog, the Bible is no doubt a familiar subject in your home.  But how is the Bible viewed by your children? Before you answer this question, take a moment to think carefully about this verse in Psalm 19:

  ⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,
       giving joy to the heart.
       The commands of the LORD are radiant,
       giving light to the eyes.

What is the reaction that the Word of God brings in the everyday life of your family? Is it like this one in Psalm 19? Give this careful thought. We will take a probing look at this in the next post.

This past Monday, March 9, 2009, President Obama reversed George W. Bush’s executive order regarding human embryonic stem cell research. In supporting his decision President Obama used extraordinary reasoning. He stated that scientific decisions should be based upon facts, not ideology. The President’s new executive order will have a major impact on your parenting. What does this have to do with parenting? That’s the critical question, but we need a little more information before giving the answer.

First, here is the President’s quote in context:

 "Our government has forced what I believe is a false choice between sound science and moral values," Obama declared, as he signed documents changing U.S. science policy and removing what some researchers have said were shackles on their work. "It is about ensuring that scientific data is never distorted or concealed to serve a political agenda — and that we make scientific decisions based on facts, not ideology," Obama said.  (March 10, 2009 AP)To clarify, here is how The American Heritage Dictionary defines ideology:

1. The body of ideas reflecting the social needs and aspirations of an individual, group, class, or culture. 2. A set of doctrines or beliefs that form the basis of a political, economic, or other system.

So President Obama is saying that a decision to destroy human embryos is a decision that should not be based upon a set of ideas, doctrine or beliefs that define a culture. This is shocking. Here is another point to help frame the seriousness of this issue. The Boston Globe reported on the President's order in its March 10^th edition. Included in the article is a succinct comment about embryonic stem cell research:

Human embryonic stem cells have the capacity to develop into any tissue in the body, such as insulin-producing cells that might eventually be used to treat diabetes, or neurons that could replace ones that die off during Lou Gehrig's disease. The potent cells are seen as important research tools, as well as promising treatments. But they have caused much political and ethical debate because human embryos are destroyed when the cells are extracted.

The Boston Globe believes that the destruction of human embryos is subject to ethical debate. Apparently, the President does not.

This executive order then, has important implications for your family. The logical conclusion from the President’s remarks is that science and ethics can be divorced from each other. When your child learns scientific data in the context of this line of thinking, he must not consider the data as having ethical implications. Scientific facts stand alone. But is a "scientific fact" reliable? Many of us were taught the scientific fact that there are nine planets In our solar system. But now it is possible that there are only eight planets, because Pluto might be only a dead comet instead of a planet. The nature of science is discovery, not dogma. Science, by its nature, is a dynamic process. Scientific “facts” are properly understood as things to be tested and retested. In order for these facts to have constructive meaning they must be placed in an ideological framework. Your children need to know this. Apart from placement within some kind of worldview, a scientific fact has no direction for good or evil. For example, the process of splitting an atom is a scientific fact. But this fact has profound ideological implications. This process can be used to provide power for light bulbs, run a huge aircraft carrier, or be the instrument of destruction for hundreds of thousands of people. To say that the decision to split an atom must be made apart from ideological considerations is unthinkable. The same is true for the decision to destroy human embryos in order to accomplish a potential greater good. This decision has huge ideological import: for the sake of attempting to cure a lethal disease, it is now deemed appropriate to destroy living human embryos. And further, the President is saying that this is a scientific decision only and has nothing to do with ideology!

Parents, that is just a little information on a large topic, but it is enough to show why you must be concerned. Only biblical truth, properly used to form a biblical worldview, provides the wisdom to navigate the treacherous waters to which science has opened the door. You must not leave the idea of worldview to the academic ivory tower while the waters are flooding the homes and the marketplace. Forming a biblical worldview starts when you rise up, when you lie down and when you walk along the way. Talk with your pastor, your friends at church and others. Do not let your children believe that the noble cause of scientific research justifies the taking of life. Like it or not, postmodernism has come to your living room. You must talk about this with your children. Ideology matters. It matters for life and death.

 _______________________

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If you are a grandparent and have been following this series of posts, perhaps you have wondered if we were ever going to talk to you rather than about you. Well, your time has come. Psalm 78 addresses grandparents directly. In is a powerful and dynamic passage, the first seven verses of the psalm envision passing the Word of God from generation to generation. The psalm speaks to parents when their children are young. It speaks to parents when their children grow up, and it speaks to parents when their children have children. This section culminates in verse 7 with both a plea and a proclamation that grandchildren should trust in God and not forget his deeds and commands.

 ¹ O my people, hear my teaching;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ² I will open my mouth in parables,
       I will utter hidden things, things from of old-

 ³ what we have heard and known,
       what our fathers have told us.

 ⁴ We will not hide them from their children;
       we will tell the next generation
       the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
       his power, and the wonders he has done.

 ⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob
       and established the law in Israel,
       which he commanded our forefathers
       to teach their children,

 ⁶ so the next generation would know them,
       even the children yet to be born,
       and they in turn would tell their children.

 ⁷ Then they would put their trust in God
       and would not forget his deeds
       but would keep his commands.

The psalm alludes to the fact that the first generation of grandparents to enter the Promised Land failed miserably. They did not help their children remember even the most basic things about God. So Judges begins with the startling and tragic affirmation that there "arose in Israel a nation which knew not the Lord nor what he had done for Israel" (Judges 2:10).

Grandparents, this is your calling from God—that your grandkids would not forget about God and his deeds. How do you fulfill this calling? First, you must own this mission for yourselves. You yourself must not forget about the wonderful works of God. They must dominate your thinking. Why is this important? Because as a grandparent you have been an expert in making observations, particularly observations about your children and grandchildren. You see problems and issues that are not being addressed in the lives of your children’s families. But if you have read the previous posts, you have learned it is not your responsibility to fix these issues directly. That responsibility belongs to your children. So, you might ask, how can you be calling your grandchildren to God if that is the responsibility of the parents? The answer lies in your commitment to love God first and foremost. You must be taken captive by God yourself, believing in him and growing in grace and wisdom. You must be characterized by sensitivity and mercy. These qualities  will cause you to be accessible to your children. You cannot and should not begin the parenting process all over again, but what you can do is be a model of support and strength for your children. Your goal is to serve them and live before them in such a way that they will come and ask you for help. In this way you can make the gospel attractive. You have a wonderful and high calling before God. Take a moment to read the posts directed to your children. Ask God to help you be an instrument of bringing his grace to your children and your children’s children.

Despite your best efforts, there are times when things don’t appear to go well. You attempt to be encouraging, but your words are received cynically.  You back off from communication to ease tensions, and you are perceived as being aloof. Whatever you do is taken to be the opposite of what you intended. Such scenarios sometimes occur with grandparents.  Because your children's grandparents are also your parents or parents-in-law, these tensions may have existed for years. You believe that giving up is not an option, but that is the only thing you are certain about. So what do you do?

Thankfully, biblical principles are available about conducting relationships. You cannot control what your parents do or say, but by God’s grace you can control what you say and do. Don’t be discouraged, and don't give up hope. Because these principles are biblical, they apply to any form of relational breakdown, but I believe they are particularly helpful in dealing with grandparent issues.

James 1:19-20  — "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Make sure that you take the time to listen and understand a difficult situation, especially if there is a history involved. It is too easy to assume you know what will be said and begin to act on the basis of your assumptions, before you actually hear what is said and know what was meant. Proverbs 18:13 applies here as well.

Ephesians 4:29 – Be careful to say only what is helpful to your listeners (your parents). Your goal is to build them up by your words, not to get even.

Proverbs 15:1 – The value of a soft answer; if you reply to cynicism with cynicism, or to harsh words with more of the same, you will only continue to stir the emotional pot.

I Corinthians 13:7 – Love always hopes and thinks the best. Admittedly, this is a demanding text, but it is God's direction. If there have been past conflicts, thinking the best may appear foolish and naive. This is when you must focus on trusting God in obedience.

Proverbs 16:20-24 – Pleasant words promote instruction. In this case pleasant words will promote your intentions of honor and respect. This concept is closely connected to Proverbs 15:1 (above).

Romans 12:17-21 – Return good for evil. This is important. Even if you think actions were done to hurt you or teach you a lesson, God's direction is clear. God wants you to follow him and return good for evil.

Ephesians 6:1 – Respond with honor and respect. Even if grandparents are clearly in the wrong, you must still respond with honor toward them.

As you meditate on these principles, pray faithfully for God to help you to apply them and to bless your efforts. Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can you change, and only by the work of the Spirit will your godly attitudes and actions be perceived as helpful and loving. Pray daily for his help and power.

In following these principles don’t lose sight of your responsibility. God has made you accountable for your children. These principles are to help you exercise this accountability with grace and confidence. You want to bring honor to God in your dealings with grandparents. By God’s grace, old wounds can heal. As far as it depends upon you, "live at peace with all men," especially your parents.

In the last post on grandparents we looked at a scenario in which visiting grandparents is an occasional event. That is, perhaps you visit back and forth once or twice a year. This post deals with more frequent contact, such as when grandparents live close by or there is a visit lasting several weeks or more, which means contact on a daily, or nearly daily, basis. The principles we looked at in the post on visiting grandparents also apply here, but it is even more important to have good clear communication lines established when there is regular contact over a longer period of time.

You should still do the four column worksheet mentioned earlier. In addition, you and your spouse must have a clear discussion about where the points of difference lie, at least those that will come up frequently, between your purposes in childrearing and those of the grandparents. One common example is disagreement about how discipline should be applied. This can be especially difficult for grandparents if it is different than what they practiced or different than what they currently believe. They may well take your different practice as an insult to them. Sensitivity is called for. It is important to  talk to your parents respectfully about these differences. In a short visit, it may not be necessary or wise to discuss thoroughly why you do some things differently, but if you and your children have regular contact with your parents, then this discussion is necessary.

In order to have a fruitful, positive discussion with your parents about differences, you must first have good, clear biblical reasons for what you believe and practice. In other words, you must have better reasons than saying that I am not raising my children the way I was raised. If you do not have positive reasons for your parenting practices, conflict is more likely to arise. Ephesians 4:29 applies here. You want to say only those things that are beneficial for building others up so that they may be helped by your words. Here are few ways to help this discussion go smoothly.

First, root your practices in biblical language and principles.  A book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a good place to start. Thus, if your parents mention that you are doing something differently, you can say something like – Mom, I know this looks different than what you did, but we are just trying to follow what Ephesians 6:1 says about encouraging our kids to respond right away without a lot of pleading and going back and forth with them. These are principles that we have learned from church and from reading books on biblical parenting. We would be really grateful if you could help us be consistent so that the kids will continue to obey quickly when they are asked to do something.

Second,  Ephesians 6 applies to conversations with your parents. Even if you have chosen a different path than your parents, it is important that you be honorable and respectful toward them. If the situation allows for you to do so honorably, you can tell your parents that it was their desire to take parenting seriously that encouraged you in your present direction. This could be true even if your parents are not Christians. Showing appropriate honor to your parents can make a big difference in how your practices are received.

Third, be confident and pleasant as you discuss these matters with your parents. God has given you the responsibility of raising your children. If you have clear biblical direction for your parenting practices, then you can calmly and confidently affirm those practices.

These are important considerations for handling frequent contact with grandparents. Don’t think that small irritations will get better or go away. Most likely they will get worse over time if you try to gloss over them. Addressing matters straightforwardly and evenly is the way to go. This will usually help reduce stress and make your daily interactions more pleasing to God.

In the next post we will look at how to handle objections that grandparents may have, including those from grandparents who are not Christians.

These days everyone is talking about bailouts. Whether on the economic or social front, things seem to be falling apart. Whether you are catching the headlines on Drudge, or the details on Fox News, or USA Today, the message is all the same. There is no way out without a bailout. As you watch, read or listen to the experts in these amazing times, the most important factor is always missing from the analysis and reporting. Talk show monologues, no-spin comments, and the latest from the financial markets—all have a message of catastrophe. But no one talks about the One who controls it all. While man panics, God works his plan. There is a message to be heeded in these troubled days. God is the Lord of all the earth. God is Sovereign over the marketplace. He is the King of governments. That is the message of the Bible, but it is not the message of the world and its news media. It is not the message of our governments. But even so, it is the message of Scripture, the only reliable source of truth. What does God say?

 "Be still, and know that I am God;
       I will be exalted among the nations,
       I will be exalted in the earth."

 The LORD Almighty is with us;
       the God of Jacob is our fortress.  —Psalm 46:10-11

This message was not intended only for Israelites of 3,000 years ago. It is a timeless message that is also for today. Here is the question – is this your message, or are you too looking for a bailout? God promises that his Word will provide a way out of every temptation. He says that his promises provide everything that is needed for life and godliness. God was not caught by surprise, as our government leaders appear to have been, by the rapid change in the global economy. He has planned all things for the good of his people. Psalm 46 gives the reason for your stability in troubled times:

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
       an ever-present help in trouble.

 ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, …

There is trouble, to be sure. But God is our strength and refuge. Remember, he is not merely an observer in these tumultuous times. Rather, the instability that is all around you is meant to point you toward the One who is stable, the only one who can be trusted for wisdom that is always reliable. I am reminded of a quote from C.S. Lewis. In answer to the question if Aslan [the lion] is safe, the  answer is, "'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.' " The earth, the financial markets, may give way and fall into the sea. That certainly does not appear to be safe. But what is certain is that God is your refuge and strength. God is good.

Parents, your children hear of all the uncertainty. They hear the sound bites. They see worried teachers and folks at church. They may be troubled in ways that are less than obvious. The best thing you can do for your children is not to seek a bailout, but to turn to God as your refuge and strength. He is your help in trouble. Our culture has ignored Paul’s warning to Timothy, not to hope in wealth because it is uncertain. Perhaps because of advances in technology people have come to think of wealth as something that can be managed and made secure. Financial analysts use sophisticated computer models and forecasting programs to attempt to anticipate any eventual outcome. But for all of our sophistication, wealth is no more certain today than it was 2,000 years ago, when Paul wrote to Timothy. (I Timothy 6:17-19) Wealth is no more certain than life itself. Just as you cannot guarantee that you will be here tomorrow, you cannot guarantee that your money will be here tomorrow. Economic forecasters have ignored what James has to say about business transactions:

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money."Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. James 4:13-16

Think about the Holy Spirit’s declaration that financial forecasting, business planning, personal estate planning, stock portfolio and 401K management—without acknowledging that these things work only if God wills them to happen—is evil. That’s right, evil. Attempting to be prudent with finances, without acknowledging that nothing will happen without God’s approval, is foolish and evil. There are many reasons that may be given for the current financial mess. But the most important reason is missing. People may think they have been wise about finances, but they have been foolish about God. Christians must have the courage to analyze the current financial crisis in light of the truth of the Holy Spirit’s words in James. Modern culture attempts to live as if God does not exist. Unborn babies are slaughtered. Marriage between a man and a woman is said to be discriminatory and bigoted. Finances are thought to have nothing to do with God. Government must ignore God. Yes, modern culture has boasted and bragged. And now God has called its bluff. It is not time for a bailout – it is time for repentance and humility.

This article is one that I wrote for the Shepherd Press Newsletter.  I am posting it in the blog for two reasons.

First – I strongly believe that we must see these uncertain times as a call to turn to God in humility.  Our current financial woes are not a random event.

Second – I want to bring to your attention a new emphasis in the Shepherd Press Newsletter. Each week I will be writing an article in the newsletter about what the Bible has to say about some aspect of current events. The newsletter article will have a different focus from the blog as it will reflect primarily on what is happening in our world. There will always be an application about how these events impact your family. If you have not subscribed to our newsletter, you may do so here.

Thanks again for your continued support of the blog. I hope that the newsletter articles will be a blessing to you.

The first scenario I want to visit in this series is Visiting the Grandparents. That is, on a regular or semi-regular basis you pack up the family and head for your parents. Such visits can be blissful or stressful. But most important for you, the parents, to remember is that your children depend on you for stability and evenness.

The guiding principle in your planning must be to discern what will make the visit a success from God’s perspective. By implication, that means you must be more concerned about the relational aspects of your visit with the grandparents than with the logistical aspects. What happens logistically, that is, the actual things and activities done during the visit, is important, but these logistics must be determined by biblical principles. You know your children, and you know your parents. It would be wise to think through the points of conflict that are likely to arise between you, your children, and your parents. You probably already have a good idea of what your parents will be planning for you and your children. And you already know which of those things present a problem. Do you avoid thinking about these potential conflicts, hoping for the best? Don’t! You know they are likely to arise. Why wait till the problem erupts, when you can plan ahead and attempt to resolve the problem beforehand?

Here is where things may begin to get a little tricky. You and your spouse sit down to have a planning meeting to head off potential problems. One spouse says something like this:

“I sure hope your parents will be different this time. I can’t believe how they just expect the kids to be quiet all the time.”

To which the other spouse says, “My parents!?!!! Well at least they aren’t like your parents who fill them up with sweets and sugar all day long and encourage them to do whatever they want! And then they have the gall to tell me to lighten up, I shouldn’t be so much of a control freak! Great—this planning session is over—I’ll take care of what my parents do, and you better watch out that your folks don’t ruin our kids with all their permissiveness and fawning over them.”

Well, that was a successful planning session.  Such problems result from the lack of a clear biblical vision. That is why you as parents must understand what God is saying to you in his Word. Regardless of how the grandparents may act during the visit, you, the parents, are responsible for your children. So the first step toward a successful Visit to the Grandparents is for both parents to be clearly on the same page with your expectations. Know what you expect from your children, and know how you will address problems biblically. If you, as Mom and Dad, have underlying irritations about your approach to parenting, these will come to the surface during the Visit to the Grandparents. Thus, the first step is to do whatever it takes to agree on what God has called you to do in parenting. That means you will have to discuss the ways that each of you were raised. Then, measure that against a biblical understanding of parenting and be prepared to acknowledge where each must change to conform to Scripture.

One practical way to do this would be to go through a book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart together. Note the biblical principles that are taught and make four columns for comparison. In the first two columns evaluate the way each of you were raised in comparison to the principles taught in the book. In the third column, note how your own parenting compares to the principles taught. Finally, in the fourth column, indicate how you need to change your parenting. Then ask God for strength and wisdom to put the fourth column into practice. Now both spouses can agree about what is important. You will be able to see in advance where the troubles (or the blessings) will come during your visit. You can now have a balanced way to anticipate potential problems and how you will handle them. You will be able to let your kids and their grandparents know in advance how you will be exercising your responsibilities as parents during the visit. Remember to communicate this with grace, understanding, honor, pleasantness, and firmness.

This approach will allow you to reap the benefits of the good things your parents will do, and it will also counter, at least somewhat, those things that are not so good. The main benefit of following this plan is not simply to have a better time with grandparents. The main benefit will be a clearer and more cohesive approach in your everyday parenting.

The Bible speaks of a vision for the truth being passed from generation to generation. Psalm 78 speaks of children learning the truths of God and being part of the chain which includes their children and then children's children who are yet unborn. Grandparents, then, have a significant role to play in this powerful vision. However, like every other aspect of the Christian life, making this vision play out effectively takes careful planning.

The successful implementation of this multi-generational vision depends on the folks in the middle—the parents. Yes, I know grandparents can be either too controlling or just the opposite, not caring enough. And I realize there are concerns about how the children will respond. Thus, parents may think they are caught in the middle. But, as we shall see, being in the middle, at least in this situation, is the ideal place to be. Someone might be asking, what are you thinking, how can being in the middle of doting grandparents and self-serving children be ideal?

Being in the middle is ideal because God has given you the direct responsibility to lead your children. He has not given it to anyone else. If he has given you the responsibility, then you know that he has also given you the resources you need to carry out that responsibility. The first four verses of Ephesians 6 make this crystal clear. Children are to obey their parents, and fathers (and mothers) are to raise their children according to God’s discipline and instruction. This responsibility may not be ceded to grandparents. There is great hope in understanding the power of God’s direction. 

Let me explain. As parents you are concerned that grandparents may be upset because your parenting style is different from theirs. That’s okay. What is important is that your parenting style not be different from God’s. So, it is important that both the grandparents and the kids have a very clear understanding that you take your God-given responsibility seriously. If you look at time with the grandparents as time off from normal parenting, don’t be surprised when your children quickly learn to exploit the situation. Don’t be surprised if Grandpa and Grandma use their time with your children to “correct” some of the deficiencies that they see arising from your parenting methods. That is not unusual—it is the way people are.

The solution is to have clearly in mind what Scripture says your responsibilities are, and then communicate that to both the children and grandparents, BEFORE they are together. This does not need to be a time of confrontation or upset. In fact, your goal should be for growth and teamwork to develop, and for multi-generational ties to be strengthened. But this will only happen when parents have a clear vision for communicating that they are the ones responsible for the children. Communicate this with grace, understanding, honor, pleasantness, and firmness. The benefits of making this multi-generational vision function biblically are huge.

So, in the next several posts we will take a look at various scenarios regarding grandparents and grandchildren. If you have any particular situations you would like to ask about, please do so – just drop me a comment.

¹ O my people, hear my teaching;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ² I will open my mouth in parables,
       I will utter hidden things, things from of old-

 ³ what we have heard and known,
       what our fathers have told us.

 ⁴ We will not hide them from their children;
       we will tell the next generation
       the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
       his power, and the wonders he has done.

 ⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob
       and established the law in Israel,
       which he commanded our forefathers
       to teach their children,

 ⁶ so the next generation would know them,
       even the children yet to be born,
       and they in turn would tell their children.

 ⁷ Then they would put their trust in God
       and would not forget his deeds
       but would keep his commands.  Psalm 78:1-7

James 3:17 has been the focus of the last few posts. The verse provides a summary of the wisdom that comes from heaven, "wisdom from above." We began with the first three components of this wisdom and then moved to the centerpiece of being open to reason. Now we will focus on the last three components. Here is verse 17, highlighting each of the seven components.

But the wisdom from above is first

pure,

then peaceable,

gentle,

open to reason,

full of mercy and good fruits,

impartial and

sincere.

The fifth component is to be "full of mercy and good fruits." Think about this from the perspective of your children. Do they see a parent who is full of mercy, with a life yielding a growing harvest of the fruits of wisdom? One reason parents have a hard time showing mercy is that they are not fully appreciative of the mercy that has been shown to them. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 illustrates this point. A man was forgiven an enormous debt—one he could never repay—by his master. Yet when he finds one who owed him, by comparison, just a few dollars, he is unrelenting in his demand for full payment. He had obviously forgotten the mercy shown to him. Parents can be like that. We can forget about the mercy shown to us and concentrate only on the many failings of our children. No, I am not suggesting that you ignore your children’s need for discipline – just the opposite. What I am suggesting is that you discipline from the strength of mercy rather than the weakness of anger. Human wisdom from below tends toward simple justice and retribution. Wisdom from above is about God's justice and mercy, a better way to live, and a call to heed the gospel message. This is the good fruit you want to give your children.

Impartiality means that God’s truth is what matters most. This next component means that, as a parent, you will not be swayed by the emotional ploys of your children or by your own personal preferences. Evenly applying God’s Word to govern the discipline of your children is what makes impartiality possible. That’s right, actually speaking and making direct application of Scripture as you discipline your children is the only way to ensure that you are being truly Christ-like in your parenting. I am not speaking primarily about times of physical discipline. Your preventive, ongoing, daily, verbal discipline (discipling) must also be filled with the wisdom of God’s words. Otherwise your parenting will be driven by your emotions and impulses. You will not be impartial in your actions. Your wisdom will not be from above.

The last component is sincerity, which is closely aligned with the first component of purity. Your wisdom must be sincerely loyal to Christ and his ways. If your wisdom is peppered by notions and conveniences from the world, you will be divided in your parenting. Your loyalty will waver between Christ and the world. Do not fall into that deadly trap! Your loyalty must be focused only and always on bringing the power of the gospel to your children. They must see the difference the gospel makes in this life. Your devotion must be singular in purpose. That is sincerity, and your sincerity must be devoted to Christ. Only then can you be confident of employing the wisdom that comes from above in leading your children.

Wisdom from above is demonstrated by these seven components. It is impossible to determine where one component ends and the next begins. But these are the goals, the principles, that must control your parenting. This section of six verses in James 3 is packed with insight. You will either deploy earthly wisdom or heavenly wisdom as you lead your children. May God lead you to a deepening love for wisdom from above.