July 2009 Archives

This post addresses the first question that Wendy raised in her recent comment. We looked at her question regarding the gospel and obedience in the previous post. It is precisely because children are not born in a neutral state (Ephesians 2:1-3, Romans 3, Galatians 5:19-21), but in rebellion to God, that the gospel must be at the forefront of discipline. Children are to obey their parents because God has commanded them to do so. One of the means, if not the primary means, that God uses to draw children to himself is this confrontation that occurs when children are called to obey God. Wendy's other question applies to the motivation for obedience. Here is her question:

Biblical parenting is first of all an exercise in biblical faith. This fact makes biblical parenting different from every other parenting methodology. A journey of faith cannot be accurately measured by visible markers. Other forms of parenting are measured by evaluating immediate responses--if behavior doesn't change quickly, then the methods must not be correct. Thankfully, God calls us to trust him in faith. In biblical parenting, the primary objective is not to make the child happy, but to bring him to the cross of Christ.  This brings us to a question posed by one of our readers.

Hebrews 12:5-11 has some intriguing words regarding discipline. Give these words some thought and we will look at them in more detail in the next post.

⁵And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

   "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
   nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
   and chastises every son whom he receives."

 ⁷It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Most Christians try to avoid bad language. Few would intentionally train their children to use obscene, foul language, even though culturally foul language has become an accepted part of everyday speech. Movies, television shows, and sporting events have become common venues for four letter expletives. So, there is no question that children are exposed to indecent talk on a regular basis. Seventy years ago, in Gone with the Wind, Clark Gable uttered the first curse word in a popular movie. How things have changed!

Often, when someone offers an objection to a particular activity, the immediate response is, "What's wrong with that, doing that never hurt me!" Over time this question has become a standard method for determining whether something is acceptable. If one can't see anything wrong with doing something, then it must be okay. However, using this question as a guideline is not a reliable standard upon which to base decisions. Families lead busy, hectic lives. Decisions about what should or shouldn't be done are often made on the run. For example, a decision about which movie to rent tonight might be asked and answered via cell phones as mom travels between a doctor's appointment and an after school soccer match. The criteria most likely will be, "Is there anything wrong or bad about the movie?" No one seems to recall anything bad about this one, so the decision is made - Mom will pick up the movie after the soccer match just before she goes to the pizza place to pick up dinner.

Parents are famous for telling their children what is wrong about a particular thing or activity. While it is certainly appropriate to warn about dangerous things, it is easy to be fixated on the negative. Inadvertently, this may lead to an inability to encourage positive goals. For example, Philippians 4:8-9 directs the thoughts of Christians towards those things and ideas that are excellent. Noble and praiseworthy thoughts are to dominate our minds. Yet often, when a particular course of action is considered or requested, it is the negative concerns that we focus on. Read Paul's words carefully:

The Sermon on the Mount has an intriguing perspective on rewards. Christ encourages his listeners to abandon the way of the religious establishment. The folks who were part of the religious establishment did good deeds so that they would be noticed by people. In sharp contrast, Christ teaches that good deeds should not be done to be noticed by others. Notice Matthew 6:1:

Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.

The Apostle Paul commands children, in the sixth chapter of Ephesians, to obey their parents in the Lord so that it will go well with them and so that they will enjoy long life on the earth. Paul forcefully argues in this same book that salvation is exclusively obtained by the gracious gift of God to those who do not deserve it. Is this a contradiction? Is he offering long life in exchange for obedience? No, there is no contradiction here. Paul clearly teaches that it is not possible to earn good standing with God, so the long life cannot be understood as achieving some kind of merit. Obedience is a response to God, rather than the source of goodness. The submission that children are to yield to parents is in the same vein as the mutual submission that all are to have to God (5:21), the submission that wives are to have to husbands (5:22), and the submission of slaves to masters. None of these opportunities for submission have any sense of earning credit. Rather, submission is a response of honoring God and living life according to his direction. In this context, God promises blessing to children who obey; he encourages them with the promise that life will go better when God's order is followed. This is often construed as a "lesser motivation." It is often taken that way, but I believe it is more consistent with biblical teaching to distinguish between the primary motivation of gratitude to God on one hand, and the encouragement of promised blessing on the other hand. When we begin to motivate our children with specific rewards, we quickly develop a system of rules and manipulation. The biblical reward offered for obedience, by contrast, is the broad, general encouragement of the rich blessings that will attend obedience.

I want to thank Michelle for her thoughtful comment on the post, Heart of Obedience. Her comment is long so I will link to it here if you haven't had the opportunity to read it. This type of interaction is greatly appreciated and encouraged.

The relationship between blessing and obedience is one that must be carefully defined. It is easy to miss the mark. Starting with the gospel places the issue in proper perspective. The gospel teaches that there is nothing I can do to make myself good enough to know the blessings of God. There is no way that I can earn any level of acceptance with God by my own merit. This is the key to making the gospel central in your parenting.

The narrative of King Jehoshaphat and King Ahab in 2 Chronicles 18 provides insight into the dynamics of peer pressure. When you or your children yield to peer pressure you are, in effect, dividing your loyalties between God and man. This double-mindedness simply does not work. It results in decision making that is not sound. Many sins that young people become entangled with begin when they yield to peer pressure. The story of King Jehoshaphat demonstrates that young people are not the only ones susceptible to this problem. As we noted in the last post, Jehoshaphat should have realized that forming an alliance with Ahab was extremely unwise, but in the face of the feast given to honor him, Jehoshaphat was more concerned with pleasing Ahab than pleasing God.

One of the more remarkable examples of peer pressure or fear of man found in the Bible is the story of Jehoshaphat and King Ahab in 2 Chronicles 18. The Spirit is God was gracious to provide such a clear and vivid account of the dynamics of peer pressure. There is much you can use in the chapter to teach your children about this all too common tendency of making the opinion of others more important than the opinion of God.

Proverbs 16 provides wise instruction for parents who want to train their children to obey.  It offers key, comprehensive insights about establishing authority on the basis of righteousness; this kind of authority is essential for biblical parenting. Let's take a look at what the Holy Spirit has prepared for those whom God has placed in authority. I will pay particular attention to how these truths apply to the family, but the principles are valuable for anyone who has authority over others.

There is a certain joy in obedience.

This joy does not flow from obedience that seeks to earn acceptance, favor or status. Such "obedience" is self-serving and will not result in true joy. Neither can this joy flow from obedience that seeks to appease. Appeasement is always an elusive goal and can never bring satisfaction. One will always wonder if one has done enough to make things right.

Proverbs 16:12 offers a challenge to anyone in a position of authority over others, especially parents. This verse teaches that righteousness is what establishes authority. While a multitude of theories and books offer differing takes on how to be an effective leader, the Bible offers this one basic concept. Implicit in the biblical concept is the idea that all authority is derived from God; it is not earned. So, the focus on righteousness is also a focus on the One who granted the authority in the first place. The appeal to God's authority, accomplished by yielding to him in righteousness, establishes a person's individual authority. This leads to two practical applications.