Recently in Authority Category

In the last post we looked at how authority has been devalued in our culture. This is one of the factors that has caused Tedd Tripp to be concerned for Christian parents who have themselves grown up in this culture. The modern drift away from authority has had a negative impact on Christian families.

We are returning to a series that we began several weeks ago. The series is based upon on a radio interview I did with Tedd Tripp earlier this year. I asked Tedd to list four important truths that he believes parents should weave into their parenting, based upon his interaction and experience in teaching families all over the world. Tedd listed these four themes:

In a recent post I described a stressed mom talking to her son, Joshua. This mother was correcting Joshua for complaining. And it was essential that his mom give him both correction and direction. Let's take another look at that example and consider in detail how a mom could respond more helpfully.

For this illustration we will assume that remedial verbal discipline was the appropriate response. Just saying that phrase--remedial verbal discipline--sounds heavy and confrontational, invoking memories of lectures and sharp tones. Correcting Joshua about complaining was not a pleasant task, but one of heaviness and duty. Complaining is not good; it is not trusting God, and it is not making Mom's life any easier. The other siblings heard Josh's complaints and Mom was sure the entire household would soon shift into complaint mode. Mom feared that this season of complaining might last for several years so she knew she had to take decisive action! So she said these words:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4

The last issue to consider regarding schoolwork, at least for this series of posts, is what to do when schoolwork does not happen. Let me sound a strong word of caution:  this is a complex topic. Parents, you must sort out what are matters that pertain to the struggles with sin and growth that your child has and what are the matters that are related to his schoolwork. I understand that the two areas intersect. Yet there are distinct aspects to each. For example, if your child looks at you defiantly and says no, I am not going to do my work, that is not an issue of schoolwork but of clear disobedience to your parental authority. The solution to this response is clear. You cannot allow outright defiance in your home. (As an aside, if you are struggling with this kind of response with your teenagers, checkout Rick Horne’s new book, Get Outta My Face.) This is not the sort of response I will address in this post.

 However, schoolwork assignments add another set of variables that goes beyond the immediate scope of the parent-child relationship. If you tell your child to take out the garbage, or take a few minutes to read to his little brother, the interaction is primarily between you and your son. However, if the task is to complete a schoolwork assignment, there may be important factors influencing your child of which you are not immediately aware. This is true even for homeschoolers. This post will focus on some of the problems that specifically relate to doing schoolwork. The principle to weigh carefully here is Ephesians 6:4 – do not provoke your children to anger.

Any time your child interacts with an outside source of direction or information, wisdom, discernment and patience are required to understand your child’s reaction to that source. Your child may be reading a short story about which he must write a paragraph. Your child may be faced with a word problem in her math book that she has never seen before. There may be some artwork accompanying an assignment that is new or strange to your son that causes unexpected reactions. A child in a school setting could be impacted by any number of variables that affect the way he works. Your child may not have understood his teacher, or perhaps he was distracted by problems with other kids in the classroom. So if your child is slow or troubled by a schoolwork assignment, don’t automatically assume he is being lazy or irresponsible. Passages like Ephesians 4:29 and Proverbs 18:13 must be carefully considered.

It is important to take the time to understand why the assignment is not going well. (The problem envisioned here is one of a deeper nature than the example in the last post.) Discipline appropriate to schoolwork struggles, discipline that benefits your child and honors God, is an art form all on its own. Simply giving terse directives may get the immediate assignment done, but that approach could also result in the beginning of a relational hindrance between you and your child. Such a hindrance could seriously undermine your ability to influence and help your child on other occasions when he really needs parental direction and concern. It is not uncommon for parents to genuinely desire a closer relationship with their children, but then find that their children have come to believe that their parents don’t really care. The opportunity has been lost.

 Here is an example of what I mean. Your 5^th grader is reading a short story about which he is then supposed to write a paragraph. There is an element to the story that disturbs him, but it is not obvious to you that he is troubled. His mind begins to focus on the troubling element. He may connect it with something in his life that is also troubling him—but he is embarrassed to tell you. So when you notice he is working slowly, or perhaps drifting, you encourage him to get back to work and focus on his task. He says okay, but still can’t focus. You direct him with pleasant words again to regain his focus. You ask him what the problem is. He says “Nothing, really.” You encourage him to stay with it. Eventually he finishes, but he is late finishing, you are frustrated, and he is reserved. You are thinking why can’t he just do his work? and he is wishing he could talk to someone about the disturbing thoughts he is having about the story. You warn him he must be more diligent about his schoolwork or you will take away his privileges with the computer for a week. He just bows his head and walks away.

This example is meant to be illustrative of a myriad of situations in which schoolwork issues are not what they may appear to be on the surface. In giving instruction you want to follow the principle of using pleasant words. You also want to spend enough time to know when your child’s subtle mood changes might indicate internal problems that need to be addressed. The principles of listening well and knowing your child are important if you are going to be a wise shepherd and build a strong relationship with him. You want him (or her) to talk freely with you about the things that trouble them but are hard to talk about.

Not all schoolwork issues are this complex, but you want to be prepared for the ones that are. Discipline that is directed at helping motivation must be applied with great care. It is important to be clear with your children about what you expect of them regarding schoolwork. It is not wise to assume anything. Develop clear easy-to-follow procedures about when and where schoolwork is to be done. Then, don’t just assume they will do it. Follow up.

By teaching about biblical motivation in doing things for the glory of God, using pleasant words, looking for troubling complicating issues, and providing clear steps to follow about when and where to do schoolwork, you will have addressed many of the reasons why there are troubles with schoolwork . On the other end of the issue are the acts of defiance and disobedience that are not really schoolwork problems, but problems of character and faithfulness. These should be dealt with the same way you would address any other act of defiance.

This, then, leaves us with a narrower, more specific focus. These are the issues directly tied to not getting the work accomplished. This is where you want to encourage your children to faithfulness and diligence. These are not natural traits, but must be pursued as fruit of the Spirit. The focus goes back to Colossians 3:21-23. You want to teach your children to do their work for God. Because you have already dealt with problems caused by the way you promote and present the schoolwork, and, likewise, because you have dealt with the heart issues of defiance and disobedience, you focus narrowly on matters tied directly to the schoolwork.

What are these matters? Assuming a child has the capacity to do the work, homework issues generally fall into one or more of three categories:  speed, neatness, and accuracy. Thus, If a child's work is sloppy or full of mistakes, then you must point out that this work is not what God desires from him. The consequences should fit the offense. One response is to have the child redo the work until it is done as well as your child’s abilities will allow. Discipline is built into this process. If homework is done as well as it can be the first time, then children will avoid having to redo the work.

Consequences for not doing schoolwork well should impact other areas of life as well. If schoolwork is done slowly or poorly, other activities will be delayed or canceled (assuming of course that you are working with them about working more quickly). But the focus should always be on learning to work well, not simply on negative consequences. Encouragement and positive consequences should outweigh the threat of negative consequences. Instead of scolding and exasperation, offer your child encouragement and support. Break the work down into achievable steps, and be available to help as needed. Be a cheerleader! Your loving, firm, and compassionate involvement at this step has potential to open a rich relational component in your relationship that will serve you, your child, and Christ. This is the way to live out Proverbs 6:20-24 with your children.

Let me know your thoughts. I am open to doing additional posts of this subject if it will be helpful. 

The wise in heart are called discerning,
       and pleasant words promote instruction. Proverbs 16:21

This series of posts is in response to this question and comment.

 I'd like to see you address the topic of motivation in schoolwork sometime on your blog. How do we use the Scriptures to instill in our kids a motivation to do their best in their studies? What form should discipline take for children who do not apply themselves the way they should?

In the previous post we saw that schoolwork is something given by God. When homework  presents challenges, we have an opportunity to appeal to the gospel grace of God for strength and wisdom to complete the task at hand for his glory. In other words, schoolwork is part of the providential plan of God.

In this post we will look at how to promote schoolwork to your children. "Promoting schoolwork" may seem like strange language. Sporting events, school plays, and political causes are promoted, but schoolwork? However, the Bible uses this language. Over and over, Proverbs pleads with young people to listen to instruction and warns of the folly of those who ignore it. Proverbs 16:21 assumes that promoting instruction is a good thing, and this verse states a simple but profound teaching principle. The translation quoted above is from the NIV. Let's read three other translations of the same verse; the additional translations help to clarify the importance of way in which instruction is given.

 The wise of heart is called discerning,
   and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. ESV

The wise are known for their understanding,
      and pleasant words are persuasive. NLT

Anyone with a wise heart is called discerning,
    and pleasant speech increases learning. HCSB

Pleasant words encourage and attract us; harsh words discourage and alienate. Threats may produce fear and compliance, but they are not nearly as effective pleasant words, which encourage cooperation, enthusiasm, and affection. Pleasant words promote instruction!

Your children need the encouragement of pleasant, sweet words to do their schoolwork in a God-honoring way. You want much more for them than just completed school assignments; you want your children to be wise and discerning in the inner man, and you want them to be drawn to God's ways. From the world’s perspective, finishing the assignment and getting a good grade is all that is required. From a biblical perspective, every challenge carries the opportunity to know God more deeply. This is where pleasant, gentle persuasion from loving parents comes into play. Schoolwork provides an opportunity to hold out the gospel. God’s grace, his help, is available to those who come to him humbly and ask for it. And God is honored when children depend upon him for strength to do the things he has give them to do. God is not honored by attempts to accomplish tasks by the sheer force of human will, apart from the help and purposes of God (Proverbs 19:21).  Use pleasant words to help children see that God wants them to trust him, to come to him for strength for each assignment. That is one aspect of why Jesus died. All of life is about living out the implications of the gospel, and schoolwork, too, is an opportunity to encourage your children to turn to Christ for strength if they do know him, and an opportunity to seek God’s forgiveness and grace if they do not. Don't miss the opportunity to point them to Christ.

How to do it? Let me give an example.  If your child is procrastinating in finishing his work, you might be tempted to say something like this in a stern, almost exasperated, tone: Schoolwork is just part of life; the sooner you finish the sooner you can play. The Bible says not to complain, so stop complaining and get to work! When I come back I expect your work to be done. Do you understand!?

Now, the parent's content is accurate. Schoolwork is part of life. When the assignment is completed other things can be done. Complaining is wrong and needs to be corrected. Setting time limits for getting work done is often a good idea. Making sure that children understand your direction is also a good thing. But, as Christians, we have to be more than accurate. We must also, in addition, speak with love, compassion, understanding and persuasion. Speaking that way is not natural for parents, any more than it is natural for children to their work eagerly with a thankful spirit. Parents need the power of gospel grace as well! James 1:19-20 illustrates the truth of Proverbs 16:21 this way:

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

It is important for your child to know that there is no alternative; he must do his schoolwork. But how this reality is presented is also important. What is going to promote instruction and persuade him to do his work? Sweet, pleasant words delivered with firm resolve. So, let’s recast the above example from the viewpoint of Proverbs 16:21.

You see that your child is not being diligent in completing his task. Your tone is pleasant and sympathetic, but it is also firm, indicating that there will be no alternative to completing the work at hand. Your words might be something like this: “I know it's difficult to do your work sometimes, isn’t it? Is there anything bothering you that is keeping you from doing your work?” If the answer is yes, determine quickly what the problem is. Usually, it will be best to address the issue after the schoolwork is done so that the problem itself doesn't become a way to procrastinate. However, occasionally you may discover something that needs your immediate attention. To continue – “Okay, I know there are other things that seem more interesting. But remember, this work is part of what God has planned for you so that you can know him and learn to follow his ways. God tells us to be diligent . Is there anything about the assignment you don’t understand, or is there something I can help with? Okay, then, let’s pray right now for God to help you focus on your work and ask for his strength to finish. I’ll check back with you soon to make sure things are going well. I know there are some fun things that you want to do, and I want you to be able to get to them as soon as you are finished. I love you.”

Obviously, you will have to adjust the language to fit your situation, but be sure to cover these points in encouraging your child to do his work.

As always, let me know your thoughts. The next post will look at appropriate disciplinary steps to take when your kids resist doing their schoolwork. 

For wisdom will enter your heart,
  and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Proverbs 2:10

The wise in heart are called discerning,
  and pleasant words promote instruction. Proverbs 16:21

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise— that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Ephesians 6:1-3

This is the final post in this series about pleasant words and communicating the Gospel. I am also responding to comments left by Shannon and Ann. Thank you both for sending them.

In the last post I focused on the futility of attempting to reason with young children without first establishing the foundation of God’s authority. A child’s ultimate well being on planet Earth is directly connected to his attitude towards God’s authority. In other words, through repentance and faith in Christ, he must joyfully submit to God in every area of life.

The wise in heart are called discerning,
and pleasant words promote instruction.  — Proverbs 16:21

For wisdom will enter your heart, 
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. —Proverbs 2:10

If you have been following this series of posts on communicating the Gospel to your children, you will recall that we started the practical application by looking at teenagers and then working backwards. Now we are at the age of young children and toddlers, ages 0 to 5.

How do you communicate the goodness of God to these little ones? While there are several biblical themes that could be used I am focusing on two Proverbs, the ones listed at the beginning of this post. Remember the premise for this series:  If the knowledge of God is truly pleasant to your soul, your words should match that reality. The goal of your instruction to young children is to so honor God that your children will be receptive to your influence when they become teenagers.

He who answers before listening—
       that is his folly and his shame. Proverbs 18:13

This post is directed to husbands and fathers. However, wives and moms are free to read as well. You may even want to forward this post to your husbands.

Men, God has charged us with leading our families. The biblical basis for our leadership is found in such passages as Eph. 5:25-33 and Eph. 6:4. This leadership is an awesome responsibility. We are to represent Christ to our wives and children. In 2 Cor. 13:10 we learn that biblical leadership is to have the focus of building others up and not tearing them down. Paul says in Ephesians 4:29 that our words are rotten if they don’t build others up.  Each of us can think of examples of leadership that are not especially building or encouraging. Perhaps our fathers appeared to tear us down more than they built us up. Perhaps you have had a supervisor who led by intimidation. God, however, has called us to be different than that. Our leadership is to build up those under our care. We are to lead with understanding and compassion. Thankfully, God has given us specific directions in his word to help us be leaders who build others up. In this post we will look at one of these directives – not to answer without listening.