Recently in Communication Category

In the last post we began to examine Tedd Tripp's third concern for parents today - communication. Tedd raised two principles that must govern communication in the home. The first is the advantage of using quiet words in instruction. The next principle is the advantage of using few words in communication.

In my recent radio interview with Tedd Tripp I asked Tedd to give four truths that he believes are important for families in today's world. The first two truths were 1) understanding the importance of formative instruction and 2) establishing a biblical view of authority. Next we will consider Tedd's third point:  communication. Communicating biblically is crucial if parental authority is to be effective in achieving God's objectives. It is one thing to establish that authority is needed. It is another to communicate that authority in a loving and engaging way. The parent who says in an angry voice, "You must obey me. God says so!" is not communicating in a helpful way. The Scriptures teach that pleasant words promote instruction (e.g. Proverbs 16:20-24). Loving, firm and confident communication is an essential aspect of parental authority.

Sin is deceptive. Parents, this is one truth that should never be far from your thoughts. Sin never presents itself for what it is. Anger appears to be a just response when one is wronged. A lie seems to be the easy way out of a difficult situation. This is the nature of sin. It seems to be the right thing to do at the moment. No matter how long you live, sin will present itself in this way.

Most Christians try to avoid bad language. Few would intentionally train their children to use obscene, foul language, even though culturally foul language has become an accepted part of everyday speech. Movies, television shows, and sporting events have become common venues for four letter expletives. So, there is no question that children are exposed to indecent talk on a regular basis. Seventy years ago, in Gone with the Wind, Clark Gable uttered the first curse word in a popular movie. How things have changed!

In a recent post I described a stressed mom talking to her son, Joshua. This mother was correcting Joshua for complaining. And it was essential that his mom give him both correction and direction. Let's take another look at that example and consider in detail how a mom could respond more helpfully.

For this illustration we will assume that remedial verbal discipline was the appropriate response. Just saying that phrase--remedial verbal discipline--sounds heavy and confrontational, invoking memories of lectures and sharp tones. Correcting Joshua about complaining was not a pleasant task, but one of heaviness and duty. Complaining is not good; it is not trusting God, and it is not making Mom's life any easier. The other siblings heard Josh's complaints and Mom was sure the entire household would soon shift into complaint mode. Mom feared that this season of complaining might last for several years so she knew she had to take decisive action! So she said these words:

Despite your best efforts, there are times when things don’t appear to go well. You attempt to be encouraging, but your words are received cynically.  You back off from communication to ease tensions, and you are perceived as being aloof. Whatever you do is taken to be the opposite of what you intended. Such scenarios sometimes occur with grandparents.  Because your children's grandparents are also your parents or parents-in-law, these tensions may have existed for years. You believe that giving up is not an option, but that is the only thing you are certain about. So what do you do?

Thankfully, biblical principles are available about conducting relationships. You cannot control what your parents do or say, but by God’s grace you can control what you say and do. Don’t be discouraged, and don't give up hope. Because these principles are biblical, they apply to any form of relational breakdown, but I believe they are particularly helpful in dealing with grandparent issues.

James 1:19-20  — "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Make sure that you take the time to listen and understand a difficult situation, especially if there is a history involved. It is too easy to assume you know what will be said and begin to act on the basis of your assumptions, before you actually hear what is said and know what was meant. Proverbs 18:13 applies here as well.

Ephesians 4:29 – Be careful to say only what is helpful to your listeners (your parents). Your goal is to build them up by your words, not to get even.

Proverbs 15:1 – The value of a soft answer; if you reply to cynicism with cynicism, or to harsh words with more of the same, you will only continue to stir the emotional pot.

I Corinthians 13:7 – Love always hopes and thinks the best. Admittedly, this is a demanding text, but it is God's direction. If there have been past conflicts, thinking the best may appear foolish and naive. This is when you must focus on trusting God in obedience.

Proverbs 16:20-24 – Pleasant words promote instruction. In this case pleasant words will promote your intentions of honor and respect. This concept is closely connected to Proverbs 15:1 (above).

Romans 12:17-21 – Return good for evil. This is important. Even if you think actions were done to hurt you or teach you a lesson, God's direction is clear. God wants you to follow him and return good for evil.

Ephesians 6:1 – Respond with honor and respect. Even if grandparents are clearly in the wrong, you must still respond with honor toward them.

As you meditate on these principles, pray faithfully for God to help you to apply them and to bless your efforts. Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can you change, and only by the work of the Spirit will your godly attitudes and actions be perceived as helpful and loving. Pray daily for his help and power.

In following these principles don’t lose sight of your responsibility. God has made you accountable for your children. These principles are to help you exercise this accountability with grace and confidence. You want to bring honor to God in your dealings with grandparents. By God’s grace, old wounds can heal. As far as it depends upon you, "live at peace with all men," especially your parents.

In the last post on grandparents we looked at a scenario in which visiting grandparents is an occasional event. That is, perhaps you visit back and forth once or twice a year. This post deals with more frequent contact, such as when grandparents live close by or there is a visit lasting several weeks or more, which means contact on a daily, or nearly daily, basis. The principles we looked at in the post on visiting grandparents also apply here, but it is even more important to have good clear communication lines established when there is regular contact over a longer period of time.

You should still do the four column worksheet mentioned earlier. In addition, you and your spouse must have a clear discussion about where the points of difference lie, at least those that will come up frequently, between your purposes in childrearing and those of the grandparents. One common example is disagreement about how discipline should be applied. This can be especially difficult for grandparents if it is different than what they practiced or different than what they currently believe. They may well take your different practice as an insult to them. Sensitivity is called for. It is important to  talk to your parents respectfully about these differences. In a short visit, it may not be necessary or wise to discuss thoroughly why you do some things differently, but if you and your children have regular contact with your parents, then this discussion is necessary.

In order to have a fruitful, positive discussion with your parents about differences, you must first have good, clear biblical reasons for what you believe and practice. In other words, you must have better reasons than saying that I am not raising my children the way I was raised. If you do not have positive reasons for your parenting practices, conflict is more likely to arise. Ephesians 4:29 applies here. You want to say only those things that are beneficial for building others up so that they may be helped by your words. Here are few ways to help this discussion go smoothly.

First, root your practices in biblical language and principles.  A book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a good place to start. Thus, if your parents mention that you are doing something differently, you can say something like – Mom, I know this looks different than what you did, but we are just trying to follow what Ephesians 6:1 says about encouraging our kids to respond right away without a lot of pleading and going back and forth with them. These are principles that we have learned from church and from reading books on biblical parenting. We would be really grateful if you could help us be consistent so that the kids will continue to obey quickly when they are asked to do something.

Second,  Ephesians 6 applies to conversations with your parents. Even if you have chosen a different path than your parents, it is important that you be honorable and respectful toward them. If the situation allows for you to do so honorably, you can tell your parents that it was their desire to take parenting seriously that encouraged you in your present direction. This could be true even if your parents are not Christians. Showing appropriate honor to your parents can make a big difference in how your practices are received.

Third, be confident and pleasant as you discuss these matters with your parents. God has given you the responsibility of raising your children. If you have clear biblical direction for your parenting practices, then you can calmly and confidently affirm those practices.

These are important considerations for handling frequent contact with grandparents. Don’t think that small irritations will get better or go away. Most likely they will get worse over time if you try to gloss over them. Addressing matters straightforwardly and evenly is the way to go. This will usually help reduce stress and make your daily interactions more pleasing to God.

In the next post we will look at how to handle objections that grandparents may have, including those from grandparents who are not Christians.

James 3:17 has been the focus of the last few posts. The verse provides a summary of the wisdom that comes from heaven, "wisdom from above." We began with the first three components of this wisdom and then moved to the centerpiece of being open to reason. Now we will focus on the last three components. Here is verse 17, highlighting each of the seven components.

But the wisdom from above is first

pure,

then peaceable,

gentle,

open to reason,

full of mercy and good fruits,

impartial and

sincere.

The fifth component is to be "full of mercy and good fruits." Think about this from the perspective of your children. Do they see a parent who is full of mercy, with a life yielding a growing harvest of the fruits of wisdom? One reason parents have a hard time showing mercy is that they are not fully appreciative of the mercy that has been shown to them. The parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18:21-35 illustrates this point. A man was forgiven an enormous debt—one he could never repay—by his master. Yet when he finds one who owed him, by comparison, just a few dollars, he is unrelenting in his demand for full payment. He had obviously forgotten the mercy shown to him. Parents can be like that. We can forget about the mercy shown to us and concentrate only on the many failings of our children. No, I am not suggesting that you ignore your children’s need for discipline – just the opposite. What I am suggesting is that you discipline from the strength of mercy rather than the weakness of anger. Human wisdom from below tends toward simple justice and retribution. Wisdom from above is about God's justice and mercy, a better way to live, and a call to heed the gospel message. This is the good fruit you want to give your children.

Impartiality means that God’s truth is what matters most. This next component means that, as a parent, you will not be swayed by the emotional ploys of your children or by your own personal preferences. Evenly applying God’s Word to govern the discipline of your children is what makes impartiality possible. That’s right, actually speaking and making direct application of Scripture as you discipline your children is the only way to ensure that you are being truly Christ-like in your parenting. I am not speaking primarily about times of physical discipline. Your preventive, ongoing, daily, verbal discipline (discipling) must also be filled with the wisdom of God’s words. Otherwise your parenting will be driven by your emotions and impulses. You will not be impartial in your actions. Your wisdom will not be from above.

The last component is sincerity, which is closely aligned with the first component of purity. Your wisdom must be sincerely loyal to Christ and his ways. If your wisdom is peppered by notions and conveniences from the world, you will be divided in your parenting. Your loyalty will waver between Christ and the world. Do not fall into that deadly trap! Your loyalty must be focused only and always on bringing the power of the gospel to your children. They must see the difference the gospel makes in this life. Your devotion must be singular in purpose. That is sincerity, and your sincerity must be devoted to Christ. Only then can you be confident of employing the wisdom that comes from above in leading your children.

Wisdom from above is demonstrated by these seven components. It is impossible to determine where one component ends and the next begins. But these are the goals, the principles, that must control your parenting. This section of six verses in James 3 is packed with insight. You will either deploy earthly wisdom or heavenly wisdom as you lead your children. May God lead you to a deepening love for wisdom from above.

We have looked at the importance of being open to reason. At this point let's take a quick look at James 3:18, the last verse in the section on wisdom from above. The verse reads:  "And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." The goal of being open to reason is to make peace. Often in the middle of the confusion of family disturbances, the goal of peace is lost. Instead, winning is substituted as the goal. The opportunity for a harvest of peace is lost. Damage is done.

To underscore the importance of peace and peacemaking, I have selected several passages that speak of peace. This compilation is by no means comprehensive. Not every verse expresses a complete thought, but each verse places a high value on peace. I challenge you to read the whole list through slowly.  As you read, notice how dominant and how wide-ranging the concept of peace is, as employed by the Holy Spirit. Sadly, as I read them, I began to see that many areas of my conversation are lacking with regard to peace. May the peace of God come to you has you read what the Spirit says about his peace. We will return to the rest of James 3:17 in the next post.

Proverbs 3:16-18 

 ¹⁶ Long life is in her right hand;
       in her left hand are riches and honor.

 ¹⁷ Her ways are pleasant ways,
       and all her paths are peace.

 ¹⁸ She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
       those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Proverbs 16:7
When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

Proverbs 17:1
Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

 John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

 John 20:21
Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."

Romans 14:17
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit…

Romans 14:19
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

Galatians 1:3
Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ,

Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

Ephesians 2:17
He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.

Ephesians 4:3
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.

1 Titus 3:1&2
Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, ²to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.

We are looking at the sharp contrast that the book of James makes between two kinds of wisdom , earthly wisdom and wisdom from above. The difference is sharp and distinct. This, of course, has to be the case since the source of earthly wisdom is demonic and the source of wisdom from above is the Holy Spirit. James does not offer a third type of wisdom, wisdom from the middle. It is only one of the two. That means the stakes are high. One type of wisdom leads to war, the other to peace. Read this section in James again in that light.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. ¹⁴But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. ¹⁵This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. ¹⁶For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. ¹⁷But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. ¹⁸And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.  James 3:13-18 (ESV)

This passage is the reason I asked you to consider carefully the admonition to be "open to reason" in the last post. The call to be open to reason fits with the challenge that James gives in verse 13. If your desire is to be wise and understanding, then you must show this through a wise spirit of meekness. Too often,  especially when there is conflict with teenagers, parenting comes down to insisting on being right. But you must be more than right. James is just as concerned about being “right” as you are. The difference is that God wants you to show wisdom that is so remarkable it can only be attributed to the work of God. Anyone can argue that he is right. But only a Christian acting in the humility of wisdom from above can demonstrate grace that goes beyond being right. Wisdom from above is the only way to present the grace of the gospel in trying situations. Anyone can be "right" about an issue, while responding with hurt, resentment, or stubbornness in the midst of conflict. But only a Christian, humbly loving Christ more than himself, can put off the resentment and stubbornness, and reach through the hurt to show compassion. Only a Christian clinging to the wisdom that comes from above can be truly open to reason.