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Sin is deceptive. Parents, this is one truth that should never be far from your thoughts. Sin never presents itself for what it is. Anger appears to be a just response when one is wronged. A lie seems to be the easy way out of a difficult situation. This is the nature of sin. It seems to be the right thing to do at the moment. No matter how long you live, sin will present itself in this way.

This post addresses the first question that Wendy raised in her recent comment. We looked at her question regarding the gospel and obedience in the previous post. It is precisely because children are not born in a neutral state (Ephesians 2:1-3, Romans 3, Galatians 5:19-21), but in rebellion to God, that the gospel must be at the forefront of discipline. Children are to obey their parents because God has commanded them to do so. One of the means, if not the primary means, that God uses to draw children to himself is this confrontation that occurs when children are called to obey God. Wendy's other question applies to the motivation for obedience. Here is her question:

Biblical parenting is first of all an exercise in biblical faith. This fact makes biblical parenting different from every other parenting methodology. A journey of faith cannot be accurately measured by visible markers. Other forms of parenting are measured by evaluating immediate responses--if behavior doesn't change quickly, then the methods must not be correct. Thankfully, God calls us to trust him in faith. In biblical parenting, the primary objective is not to make the child happy, but to bring him to the cross of Christ.  This brings us to a question posed by one of our readers.

Hebrews 12:5-11 has some intriguing words regarding discipline. Give these words some thought and we will look at them in more detail in the next post.

⁵And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

   "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
   nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
   and chastises every son whom he receives."

 ⁷It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

In a recent post I described a stressed mom talking to her son, Joshua. This mother was correcting Joshua for complaining. And it was essential that his mom give him both correction and direction. Let's take another look at that example and consider in detail how a mom could respond more helpfully.

For this illustration we will assume that remedial verbal discipline was the appropriate response. Just saying that phrase--remedial verbal discipline--sounds heavy and confrontational, invoking memories of lectures and sharp tones. Correcting Joshua about complaining was not a pleasant task, but one of heaviness and duty. Complaining is not good; it is not trusting God, and it is not making Mom's life any easier. The other siblings heard Josh's complaints and Mom was sure the entire household would soon shift into complaint mode. Mom feared that this season of complaining might last for several years so she knew she had to take decisive action! So she said these words:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:1-4

The last issue to consider regarding schoolwork, at least for this series of posts, is what to do when schoolwork does not happen. Let me sound a strong word of caution:  this is a complex topic. Parents, you must sort out what are matters that pertain to the struggles with sin and growth that your child has and what are the matters that are related to his schoolwork. I understand that the two areas intersect. Yet there are distinct aspects to each. For example, if your child looks at you defiantly and says no, I am not going to do my work, that is not an issue of schoolwork but of clear disobedience to your parental authority. The solution to this response is clear. You cannot allow outright defiance in your home. (As an aside, if you are struggling with this kind of response with your teenagers, checkout Rick Horne’s new book, Get Outta My Face.) This is not the sort of response I will address in this post.

 However, schoolwork assignments add another set of variables that goes beyond the immediate scope of the parent-child relationship. If you tell your child to take out the garbage, or take a few minutes to read to his little brother, the interaction is primarily between you and your son. However, if the task is to complete a schoolwork assignment, there may be important factors influencing your child of which you are not immediately aware. This is true even for homeschoolers. This post will focus on some of the problems that specifically relate to doing schoolwork. The principle to weigh carefully here is Ephesians 6:4 – do not provoke your children to anger.

Any time your child interacts with an outside source of direction or information, wisdom, discernment and patience are required to understand your child’s reaction to that source. Your child may be reading a short story about which he must write a paragraph. Your child may be faced with a word problem in her math book that she has never seen before. There may be some artwork accompanying an assignment that is new or strange to your son that causes unexpected reactions. A child in a school setting could be impacted by any number of variables that affect the way he works. Your child may not have understood his teacher, or perhaps he was distracted by problems with other kids in the classroom. So if your child is slow or troubled by a schoolwork assignment, don’t automatically assume he is being lazy or irresponsible. Passages like Ephesians 4:29 and Proverbs 18:13 must be carefully considered.

It is important to take the time to understand why the assignment is not going well. (The problem envisioned here is one of a deeper nature than the example in the last post.) Discipline appropriate to schoolwork struggles, discipline that benefits your child and honors God, is an art form all on its own. Simply giving terse directives may get the immediate assignment done, but that approach could also result in the beginning of a relational hindrance between you and your child. Such a hindrance could seriously undermine your ability to influence and help your child on other occasions when he really needs parental direction and concern. It is not uncommon for parents to genuinely desire a closer relationship with their children, but then find that their children have come to believe that their parents don’t really care. The opportunity has been lost.

 Here is an example of what I mean. Your 5^th grader is reading a short story about which he is then supposed to write a paragraph. There is an element to the story that disturbs him, but it is not obvious to you that he is troubled. His mind begins to focus on the troubling element. He may connect it with something in his life that is also troubling him—but he is embarrassed to tell you. So when you notice he is working slowly, or perhaps drifting, you encourage him to get back to work and focus on his task. He says okay, but still can’t focus. You direct him with pleasant words again to regain his focus. You ask him what the problem is. He says “Nothing, really.” You encourage him to stay with it. Eventually he finishes, but he is late finishing, you are frustrated, and he is reserved. You are thinking why can’t he just do his work? and he is wishing he could talk to someone about the disturbing thoughts he is having about the story. You warn him he must be more diligent about his schoolwork or you will take away his privileges with the computer for a week. He just bows his head and walks away.

This example is meant to be illustrative of a myriad of situations in which schoolwork issues are not what they may appear to be on the surface. In giving instruction you want to follow the principle of using pleasant words. You also want to spend enough time to know when your child’s subtle mood changes might indicate internal problems that need to be addressed. The principles of listening well and knowing your child are important if you are going to be a wise shepherd and build a strong relationship with him. You want him (or her) to talk freely with you about the things that trouble them but are hard to talk about.

Not all schoolwork issues are this complex, but you want to be prepared for the ones that are. Discipline that is directed at helping motivation must be applied with great care. It is important to be clear with your children about what you expect of them regarding schoolwork. It is not wise to assume anything. Develop clear easy-to-follow procedures about when and where schoolwork is to be done. Then, don’t just assume they will do it. Follow up.

By teaching about biblical motivation in doing things for the glory of God, using pleasant words, looking for troubling complicating issues, and providing clear steps to follow about when and where to do schoolwork, you will have addressed many of the reasons why there are troubles with schoolwork . On the other end of the issue are the acts of defiance and disobedience that are not really schoolwork problems, but problems of character and faithfulness. These should be dealt with the same way you would address any other act of defiance.

This, then, leaves us with a narrower, more specific focus. These are the issues directly tied to not getting the work accomplished. This is where you want to encourage your children to faithfulness and diligence. These are not natural traits, but must be pursued as fruit of the Spirit. The focus goes back to Colossians 3:21-23. You want to teach your children to do their work for God. Because you have already dealt with problems caused by the way you promote and present the schoolwork, and, likewise, because you have dealt with the heart issues of defiance and disobedience, you focus narrowly on matters tied directly to the schoolwork.

What are these matters? Assuming a child has the capacity to do the work, homework issues generally fall into one or more of three categories:  speed, neatness, and accuracy. Thus, If a child's work is sloppy or full of mistakes, then you must point out that this work is not what God desires from him. The consequences should fit the offense. One response is to have the child redo the work until it is done as well as your child’s abilities will allow. Discipline is built into this process. If homework is done as well as it can be the first time, then children will avoid having to redo the work.

Consequences for not doing schoolwork well should impact other areas of life as well. If schoolwork is done slowly or poorly, other activities will be delayed or canceled (assuming of course that you are working with them about working more quickly). But the focus should always be on learning to work well, not simply on negative consequences. Encouragement and positive consequences should outweigh the threat of negative consequences. Instead of scolding and exasperation, offer your child encouragement and support. Break the work down into achievable steps, and be available to help as needed. Be a cheerleader! Your loving, firm, and compassionate involvement at this step has potential to open a rich relational component in your relationship that will serve you, your child, and Christ. This is the way to live out Proverbs 6:20-24 with your children.

Let me know your thoughts. I am open to doing additional posts of this subject if it will be helpful. 

The wise in heart are called discerning,
       and pleasant words promote instruction. Proverbs 16:21

This series of posts is in response to this question and comment.

 I'd like to see you address the topic of motivation in schoolwork sometime on your blog. How do we use the Scriptures to instill in our kids a motivation to do their best in their studies? What form should discipline take for children who do not apply themselves the way they should?

In the previous post we saw that schoolwork is something given by God. When homework  presents challenges, we have an opportunity to appeal to the gospel grace of God for strength and wisdom to complete the task at hand for his glory. In other words, schoolwork is part of the providential plan of God.

In this post we will look at how to promote schoolwork to your children. "Promoting schoolwork" may seem like strange language. Sporting events, school plays, and political causes are promoted, but schoolwork? However, the Bible uses this language. Over and over, Proverbs pleads with young people to listen to instruction and warns of the folly of those who ignore it. Proverbs 16:21 assumes that promoting instruction is a good thing, and this verse states a simple but profound teaching principle. The translation quoted above is from the NIV. Let's read three other translations of the same verse; the additional translations help to clarify the importance of way in which instruction is given.

 The wise of heart is called discerning,
   and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. ESV

The wise are known for their understanding,
      and pleasant words are persuasive. NLT

Anyone with a wise heart is called discerning,
    and pleasant speech increases learning. HCSB

Pleasant words encourage and attract us; harsh words discourage and alienate. Threats may produce fear and compliance, but they are not nearly as effective pleasant words, which encourage cooperation, enthusiasm, and affection. Pleasant words promote instruction!

Your children need the encouragement of pleasant, sweet words to do their schoolwork in a God-honoring way. You want much more for them than just completed school assignments; you want your children to be wise and discerning in the inner man, and you want them to be drawn to God's ways. From the world’s perspective, finishing the assignment and getting a good grade is all that is required. From a biblical perspective, every challenge carries the opportunity to know God more deeply. This is where pleasant, gentle persuasion from loving parents comes into play. Schoolwork provides an opportunity to hold out the gospel. God’s grace, his help, is available to those who come to him humbly and ask for it. And God is honored when children depend upon him for strength to do the things he has give them to do. God is not honored by attempts to accomplish tasks by the sheer force of human will, apart from the help and purposes of God (Proverbs 19:21).  Use pleasant words to help children see that God wants them to trust him, to come to him for strength for each assignment. That is one aspect of why Jesus died. All of life is about living out the implications of the gospel, and schoolwork, too, is an opportunity to encourage your children to turn to Christ for strength if they do know him, and an opportunity to seek God’s forgiveness and grace if they do not. Don't miss the opportunity to point them to Christ.

How to do it? Let me give an example.  If your child is procrastinating in finishing his work, you might be tempted to say something like this in a stern, almost exasperated, tone: Schoolwork is just part of life; the sooner you finish the sooner you can play. The Bible says not to complain, so stop complaining and get to work! When I come back I expect your work to be done. Do you understand!?

Now, the parent's content is accurate. Schoolwork is part of life. When the assignment is completed other things can be done. Complaining is wrong and needs to be corrected. Setting time limits for getting work done is often a good idea. Making sure that children understand your direction is also a good thing. But, as Christians, we have to be more than accurate. We must also, in addition, speak with love, compassion, understanding and persuasion. Speaking that way is not natural for parents, any more than it is natural for children to their work eagerly with a thankful spirit. Parents need the power of gospel grace as well! James 1:19-20 illustrates the truth of Proverbs 16:21 this way:

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

It is important for your child to know that there is no alternative; he must do his schoolwork. But how this reality is presented is also important. What is going to promote instruction and persuade him to do his work? Sweet, pleasant words delivered with firm resolve. So, let’s recast the above example from the viewpoint of Proverbs 16:21.

You see that your child is not being diligent in completing his task. Your tone is pleasant and sympathetic, but it is also firm, indicating that there will be no alternative to completing the work at hand. Your words might be something like this: “I know it's difficult to do your work sometimes, isn’t it? Is there anything bothering you that is keeping you from doing your work?” If the answer is yes, determine quickly what the problem is. Usually, it will be best to address the issue after the schoolwork is done so that the problem itself doesn't become a way to procrastinate. However, occasionally you may discover something that needs your immediate attention. To continue – “Okay, I know there are other things that seem more interesting. But remember, this work is part of what God has planned for you so that you can know him and learn to follow his ways. God tells us to be diligent . Is there anything about the assignment you don’t understand, or is there something I can help with? Okay, then, let’s pray right now for God to help you focus on your work and ask for his strength to finish. I’ll check back with you soon to make sure things are going well. I know there are some fun things that you want to do, and I want you to be able to get to them as soon as you are finished. I love you.”

Obviously, you will have to adjust the language to fit your situation, but be sure to cover these points in encouraging your child to do his work.

As always, let me know your thoughts. The next post will look at appropriate disciplinary steps to take when your kids resist doing their schoolwork. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight.  —Proverbs 3:5-6

In the last post we looked at a request regarding motivation and children doing schoolwork.

I'd like to see you address the topic of motivation in schoolwork sometime on your blog. How do we use the Scriptures to instill in our kids a motivation to do their best in their studies? What form should discipline take for children who do not apply themselves the way they should?

I asked you to think about this topic and consider how you might answer the question raised by the commenter. Now that you have had time to do that, let’s see what you think about my response.

This familiar proverb is often found on wall plaques. It is too often used as a Christian platitude, without any particular application. But it is specifically designed (as one of many applications) to help motivate your child to honor God with his schoolwork. The first couplet contrasts trusting God with relying on one’s own understanding of life. The second couplet gives a directive and a blessing.

What is there about schoolwork that should point to trust in God? First and foremost, it is God who assigned the schoolwork. God orders all things and determines all earthly authorities, including teachers (Colossians 1:15-20; Romans 8:28). Schoolwork, no matter how random, tedious or difficult it might be, is ultimately directed by God in his wise providence. One of the purposes of all the work that we have to do is to drive us to Christ and his gospel (Col. 3:17). In order to encourage your children to trust God, you must first encourage them with the gospel message of grace. Their schoolwork is sent to them by God. Therefore, schoolwork becomes an opportunity to call your children to faith in Christ.

So, when your children are unmotivated to do schoolwork, your first step is to encourage them to trust God. He didn’t make a mistake. He actually ordained that they would have this work to do at this time. Encourage your children to trust God's wisdom in providing their work for them. In doing so, you are encouraging them not to trust their own understanding. Most children fall into the ratherbe camp. That is, I would rather be – making snowballs, playing ball, playing Wii games, etc. This is where they are to trust God and not their own understanding.

Does this mean your children will never have an unreasonable teacher who consistently gives unrealistic assignments? No, of course not. But that is where you function as a parent to protect—not coddle, but protect them—from this sort of thing. It is your responsibility as a parent to work out a solution; it is not an option for your child to rebel against authority.

Verse six complements the truth in the first couplet. Bruce Waltke, in his excellent commentary on this verse (The Book of Proverbs: Chapters 1-15 [NICOT], Eerdmans), shows that the word acknowledge here means much more than just a tip of the hat to God. The word has the same root as the other OT passages that talk about knowing God intimately. This verse is urging God’s people to show love for him in all they do. If God is acknowledged with this sort of conscious devotion, God then promises to make their paths straight.

Now, back to the child struggling with schoolwork. God has not made a mistake in giving the assignment, even if the human teacher did! Encourage your child not to rely on his own feelings and understanding, but to actively trust God’s wisdom. The ultimate reality is that your child's assignments are from God. (Colossians 3:23 teaches that this is true for all tasks, not just schoolwork.) Therefore, this is a matter of obedience to God—schoolwork is not primarily about getting grades or pleasing teachers and parents. Schoolwork is about bringing honor to God.

You might be saying by now that your child is not particularly interested in honoring God in schoolwork. Well, that's the fundamental problem, isn't it? Of course it's not natural to want to please and honor God. That's true for all of us. Children may want to work for a good grade or some reward or recognition—that's natural, and we are usually quite satisfied with that, because the homework gets finished and our own task is much easier. But not all children are motivated by those desires. What do you say then? Doing work for God’s honor seems pretty intangible.

Parent, be thankful for the opportunity to address your child's difficulty.  What is needed is the gospel. And when are people most drawn to the gospel? Isn't it when they are most discouraged by their failure, weakness, and need? Help your children to be see the desires that drag their attention away from obedience. Remind them of the gospel and of God's grace, which is available to help them whenever they need it.

As a parent you are commanded by God to teach your children to acknowledge and love God in every area of their lives (Deuteronomy 6:4-7; Ephesians 6:4, etc.). Schoolwork assignments are opportunities to show just how intimately God is involved in the life of your children. These assignments were handpicked by God especially for your child so that he would look to Christ for the strength and wisdom to accomplish the task (Philippians 4:13). Even if your child does not understand this, it is still your obligation as a parent to help him see it this way. This is reality.

If you teach discipline and hard work as the primary means to accomplishing schoolwork you will give your children a faulty picture of how life works. Your children need Christ to do their work in a way that honors God. They need Christ, and they need to see that their work has been given to them by God so that they will come to trust him for the strength to do their work. True biblical discipline flows from seeing the need for Christ’s grace in all of life.

This addresses the principles of the motivation issue raised in the original question. In the next post we will look at some practical ways to present these issues to children to encourage them with the gospel. Then we will take a look at appropriate discipline and correction in light of the biblical, gospel driven purpose of schoolwork.

In this light I strongly recommend Instructing a Child’s Heart. This book addresses the formative, foundational perspectives needed to help you and your children know God more deeply in all of life.  

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5&6

The following request came in from one of our readers.

I'd like to see you address the topic of motivation in schoolwork sometime on your blog. How do we use the Scriptures to instill in our kids a motivation to do their best in their studies? What form should discipline take for children who do not apply themselves the way they should?

This is a topic that nearly every parent, and certainly every child, is familiar with.  "It's time to do your schoolwork." The response is usually not – Sure mom, thanks for reminding me. I can’t believe that I almost forgot to get back to doing my work. This school stuff is great! Maybe I will have even more to do tomorrow.”  No, the response is more likely to be,  “Why do I have to do this? I really don’t feel good. Maybe I should stay home tomorrow.” So, what do you do to provide biblical motivation?

I believe the familiar passage in Proverbs (quoted above) is a great place to start. Since the question is about schoolwork, let me give you an assignment. Think about how Proverbs 3:5-6 applies to the question that our reader asked. I’ll give you my answer tomorrow. Please let me know your thoughts.

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. ESV Colossians 4:5

Due to an excellent observation in a comment from Jenny, this post will address another issue regarding Facebook. Your comments and thoughts are valuable. There have been a number of good suggestions for posts in the last couple of weeks and, Lord willing, we will get to them all.

Jenny raised an important consideration in her comment. She raised the concept of “me time.” As Christians our lives are to be centered on bringing honor to the name of God in all that we do. (I Cor. 10:31; Col. 3:17, etc.) Our culture inundates us with the idea that our first need is to care for ourselves. Yes, God is important, but only as he or she meets our need for whatever spiritual vacuum we have that needs filling. From a cultural standpoint the idea of spirituality is just another part caring for myself first. Culturally, we are challenged every day to see life in terms of self-fulfillment—my needs, my space, my time, my life and, sadly, my god, whomever I deem her or him to be.

As Paul teaches in I Corinthians 6, we are not our own, we have been bought with a price. It is instructive to note that the context of this teaching that we are not our own is a discussion of sexual conduct. What could be more intimate and personal than your sexual life? Yet Paul says that even in this area we are not our own. We are not free to choose how to behave sexually, based upon our assessments of our needs. And, not surprisingly, the area of sexuality is one in which our culture openly despises biblical truth. Sex is for you, in any way that you wish to have it. You have the right to do with your body whatever you want. Clearly, by asserting the value of self-fulfillment regarding sexual behavior, the culture has not been friendly to Christianity.

If Paul says that you are not your own in the intimate area of sexuality, certainly this same principle applies to the rest of your life. In acknowledging the Lordship of Christ over your sexual life, you will actually enjoy and benefit from sex more than if you followed the calling of the culture for self-fulfillment. In other words pursuing what I want apart from God is never a good or healthy practice.

From another perspective, let’s say that you live on a farm far away from the urban sprawl. How helpful would self-fulfillment be as a guide for living on a farm? Saying that you would rather not go out and prepare the fields for harvest so you could catch up on the latest status updates of your Facebook friends would seem a little bit ridiculous. Or, waiting to milk the cows until tomorrow so you can play Word Twist on Facebook or check out a friend’s latest blog entry—because I just need time for myself—is equally ridiculous. Instead, as a Christian you should be filled with gratitude that there are fields to harvest and cows to milk.

Okay, so you don’t live on a farm. But you do live where God has purposed for you to live (Acts 17:26). Your time is not your own, but purchased by God with the blood of Christ. God wants you to make the best use of your time or, as the NIV translation says, to make the most of every opportunity.

To specifically address Jenny's comment, your children are young for an amazingly short time. There are opportunities to speak of God even when changing diapers. Changing a diaper means that God has given you a precious child! You can’t separate the chore of dirty diapers from the blessing of your child. This is part of who he is and what it means to have him. If there were no diapers to change there would be no child. So, even changing diapers is an opportunity to thank God for his faithfulness to you. Here is a challenge:  every time you change a diaper, tell your child how thankful you are for him and thank God for him. Grumpy diaper changing leads to a grumpy life.

With Facebook, you are presented with an opportunity to learn about others and to influence those outside the faith, at least in some small way. This can be a good thing. However, there is the temptation to sit and be caught up for hours following the endless rabbit trails of friends, groups to join, causes to become a fan of, and games to play. You may call this "your time." But as we have seen, your time is not your own. To improve your time management, perhaps you need to set a limit for the time you will spend on Facebook. And while that may be needed for some, an even better option is to turn away from our culture’s calling for self-fulfillment. God provides you each day with the opportunity to die to yourself and live for him. Facebook ought to be just something that you do as a fun diversion when you have the time to squeeze it in. Things like serving your family, studying God’s word, prayer, remembering the many ways God has blessed you, reaching out to people in your church and community, etc., should make Facebook time hard to find. It should be hard to find because your life is crowded with the joy of living life for God’s glory. It is not your time, your space, your life – it is God’s.