Recently in Grandparents Category

If you are a grandparent and have been following this series of posts, perhaps you have wondered if we were ever going to talk to you rather than about you. Well, your time has come. Psalm 78 addresses grandparents directly. In is a powerful and dynamic passage, the first seven verses of the psalm envision passing the Word of God from generation to generation. The psalm speaks to parents when their children are young. It speaks to parents when their children grow up, and it speaks to parents when their children have children. This section culminates in verse 7 with both a plea and a proclamation that grandchildren should trust in God and not forget his deeds and commands.

 ¹ O my people, hear my teaching;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ² I will open my mouth in parables,
       I will utter hidden things, things from of old-

 ³ what we have heard and known,
       what our fathers have told us.

 ⁴ We will not hide them from their children;
       we will tell the next generation
       the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
       his power, and the wonders he has done.

 ⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob
       and established the law in Israel,
       which he commanded our forefathers
       to teach their children,

 ⁶ so the next generation would know them,
       even the children yet to be born,
       and they in turn would tell their children.

 ⁷ Then they would put their trust in God
       and would not forget his deeds
       but would keep his commands.

The psalm alludes to the fact that the first generation of grandparents to enter the Promised Land failed miserably. They did not help their children remember even the most basic things about God. So Judges begins with the startling and tragic affirmation that there "arose in Israel a nation which knew not the Lord nor what he had done for Israel" (Judges 2:10).

Grandparents, this is your calling from God—that your grandkids would not forget about God and his deeds. How do you fulfill this calling? First, you must own this mission for yourselves. You yourself must not forget about the wonderful works of God. They must dominate your thinking. Why is this important? Because as a grandparent you have been an expert in making observations, particularly observations about your children and grandchildren. You see problems and issues that are not being addressed in the lives of your children’s families. But if you have read the previous posts, you have learned it is not your responsibility to fix these issues directly. That responsibility belongs to your children. So, you might ask, how can you be calling your grandchildren to God if that is the responsibility of the parents? The answer lies in your commitment to love God first and foremost. You must be taken captive by God yourself, believing in him and growing in grace and wisdom. You must be characterized by sensitivity and mercy. These qualities  will cause you to be accessible to your children. You cannot and should not begin the parenting process all over again, but what you can do is be a model of support and strength for your children. Your goal is to serve them and live before them in such a way that they will come and ask you for help. In this way you can make the gospel attractive. You have a wonderful and high calling before God. Take a moment to read the posts directed to your children. Ask God to help you be an instrument of bringing his grace to your children and your children’s children.

Despite your best efforts, there are times when things don’t appear to go well. You attempt to be encouraging, but your words are received cynically.  You back off from communication to ease tensions, and you are perceived as being aloof. Whatever you do is taken to be the opposite of what you intended. Such scenarios sometimes occur with grandparents.  Because your children's grandparents are also your parents or parents-in-law, these tensions may have existed for years. You believe that giving up is not an option, but that is the only thing you are certain about. So what do you do?

Thankfully, biblical principles are available about conducting relationships. You cannot control what your parents do or say, but by God’s grace you can control what you say and do. Don’t be discouraged, and don't give up hope. Because these principles are biblical, they apply to any form of relational breakdown, but I believe they are particularly helpful in dealing with grandparent issues.

James 1:19-20  — "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Make sure that you take the time to listen and understand a difficult situation, especially if there is a history involved. It is too easy to assume you know what will be said and begin to act on the basis of your assumptions, before you actually hear what is said and know what was meant. Proverbs 18:13 applies here as well.

Ephesians 4:29 – Be careful to say only what is helpful to your listeners (your parents). Your goal is to build them up by your words, not to get even.

Proverbs 15:1 – The value of a soft answer; if you reply to cynicism with cynicism, or to harsh words with more of the same, you will only continue to stir the emotional pot.

I Corinthians 13:7 – Love always hopes and thinks the best. Admittedly, this is a demanding text, but it is God's direction. If there have been past conflicts, thinking the best may appear foolish and naive. This is when you must focus on trusting God in obedience.

Proverbs 16:20-24 – Pleasant words promote instruction. In this case pleasant words will promote your intentions of honor and respect. This concept is closely connected to Proverbs 15:1 (above).

Romans 12:17-21 – Return good for evil. This is important. Even if you think actions were done to hurt you or teach you a lesson, God's direction is clear. God wants you to follow him and return good for evil.

Ephesians 6:1 – Respond with honor and respect. Even if grandparents are clearly in the wrong, you must still respond with honor toward them.

As you meditate on these principles, pray faithfully for God to help you to apply them and to bless your efforts. Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can you change, and only by the work of the Spirit will your godly attitudes and actions be perceived as helpful and loving. Pray daily for his help and power.

In following these principles don’t lose sight of your responsibility. God has made you accountable for your children. These principles are to help you exercise this accountability with grace and confidence. You want to bring honor to God in your dealings with grandparents. By God’s grace, old wounds can heal. As far as it depends upon you, "live at peace with all men," especially your parents.

In the last post on grandparents we looked at a scenario in which visiting grandparents is an occasional event. That is, perhaps you visit back and forth once or twice a year. This post deals with more frequent contact, such as when grandparents live close by or there is a visit lasting several weeks or more, which means contact on a daily, or nearly daily, basis. The principles we looked at in the post on visiting grandparents also apply here, but it is even more important to have good clear communication lines established when there is regular contact over a longer period of time.

You should still do the four column worksheet mentioned earlier. In addition, you and your spouse must have a clear discussion about where the points of difference lie, at least those that will come up frequently, between your purposes in childrearing and those of the grandparents. One common example is disagreement about how discipline should be applied. This can be especially difficult for grandparents if it is different than what they practiced or different than what they currently believe. They may well take your different practice as an insult to them. Sensitivity is called for. It is important to  talk to your parents respectfully about these differences. In a short visit, it may not be necessary or wise to discuss thoroughly why you do some things differently, but if you and your children have regular contact with your parents, then this discussion is necessary.

In order to have a fruitful, positive discussion with your parents about differences, you must first have good, clear biblical reasons for what you believe and practice. In other words, you must have better reasons than saying that I am not raising my children the way I was raised. If you do not have positive reasons for your parenting practices, conflict is more likely to arise. Ephesians 4:29 applies here. You want to say only those things that are beneficial for building others up so that they may be helped by your words. Here are few ways to help this discussion go smoothly.

First, root your practices in biblical language and principles.  A book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a good place to start. Thus, if your parents mention that you are doing something differently, you can say something like – Mom, I know this looks different than what you did, but we are just trying to follow what Ephesians 6:1 says about encouraging our kids to respond right away without a lot of pleading and going back and forth with them. These are principles that we have learned from church and from reading books on biblical parenting. We would be really grateful if you could help us be consistent so that the kids will continue to obey quickly when they are asked to do something.

Second,  Ephesians 6 applies to conversations with your parents. Even if you have chosen a different path than your parents, it is important that you be honorable and respectful toward them. If the situation allows for you to do so honorably, you can tell your parents that it was their desire to take parenting seriously that encouraged you in your present direction. This could be true even if your parents are not Christians. Showing appropriate honor to your parents can make a big difference in how your practices are received.

Third, be confident and pleasant as you discuss these matters with your parents. God has given you the responsibility of raising your children. If you have clear biblical direction for your parenting practices, then you can calmly and confidently affirm those practices.

These are important considerations for handling frequent contact with grandparents. Don’t think that small irritations will get better or go away. Most likely they will get worse over time if you try to gloss over them. Addressing matters straightforwardly and evenly is the way to go. This will usually help reduce stress and make your daily interactions more pleasing to God.

In the next post we will look at how to handle objections that grandparents may have, including those from grandparents who are not Christians.

The first scenario I want to visit in this series is Visiting the Grandparents. That is, on a regular or semi-regular basis you pack up the family and head for your parents. Such visits can be blissful or stressful. But most important for you, the parents, to remember is that your children depend on you for stability and evenness.

The guiding principle in your planning must be to discern what will make the visit a success from God’s perspective. By implication, that means you must be more concerned about the relational aspects of your visit with the grandparents than with the logistical aspects. What happens logistically, that is, the actual things and activities done during the visit, is important, but these logistics must be determined by biblical principles. You know your children, and you know your parents. It would be wise to think through the points of conflict that are likely to arise between you, your children, and your parents. You probably already have a good idea of what your parents will be planning for you and your children. And you already know which of those things present a problem. Do you avoid thinking about these potential conflicts, hoping for the best? Don’t! You know they are likely to arise. Why wait till the problem erupts, when you can plan ahead and attempt to resolve the problem beforehand?

Here is where things may begin to get a little tricky. You and your spouse sit down to have a planning meeting to head off potential problems. One spouse says something like this:

“I sure hope your parents will be different this time. I can’t believe how they just expect the kids to be quiet all the time.”

To which the other spouse says, “My parents!?!!! Well at least they aren’t like your parents who fill them up with sweets and sugar all day long and encourage them to do whatever they want! And then they have the gall to tell me to lighten up, I shouldn’t be so much of a control freak! Great—this planning session is over—I’ll take care of what my parents do, and you better watch out that your folks don’t ruin our kids with all their permissiveness and fawning over them.”

Well, that was a successful planning session.  Such problems result from the lack of a clear biblical vision. That is why you as parents must understand what God is saying to you in his Word. Regardless of how the grandparents may act during the visit, you, the parents, are responsible for your children. So the first step toward a successful Visit to the Grandparents is for both parents to be clearly on the same page with your expectations. Know what you expect from your children, and know how you will address problems biblically. If you, as Mom and Dad, have underlying irritations about your approach to parenting, these will come to the surface during the Visit to the Grandparents. Thus, the first step is to do whatever it takes to agree on what God has called you to do in parenting. That means you will have to discuss the ways that each of you were raised. Then, measure that against a biblical understanding of parenting and be prepared to acknowledge where each must change to conform to Scripture.

One practical way to do this would be to go through a book like Shepherding a Child’s Heart together. Note the biblical principles that are taught and make four columns for comparison. In the first two columns evaluate the way each of you were raised in comparison to the principles taught in the book. In the third column, note how your own parenting compares to the principles taught. Finally, in the fourth column, indicate how you need to change your parenting. Then ask God for strength and wisdom to put the fourth column into practice. Now both spouses can agree about what is important. You will be able to see in advance where the troubles (or the blessings) will come during your visit. You can now have a balanced way to anticipate potential problems and how you will handle them. You will be able to let your kids and their grandparents know in advance how you will be exercising your responsibilities as parents during the visit. Remember to communicate this with grace, understanding, honor, pleasantness, and firmness.

This approach will allow you to reap the benefits of the good things your parents will do, and it will also counter, at least somewhat, those things that are not so good. The main benefit of following this plan is not simply to have a better time with grandparents. The main benefit will be a clearer and more cohesive approach in your everyday parenting.

The Bible speaks of a vision for the truth being passed from generation to generation. Psalm 78 speaks of children learning the truths of God and being part of the chain which includes their children and then children's children who are yet unborn. Grandparents, then, have a significant role to play in this powerful vision. However, like every other aspect of the Christian life, making this vision play out effectively takes careful planning.

The successful implementation of this multi-generational vision depends on the folks in the middle—the parents. Yes, I know grandparents can be either too controlling or just the opposite, not caring enough. And I realize there are concerns about how the children will respond. Thus, parents may think they are caught in the middle. But, as we shall see, being in the middle, at least in this situation, is the ideal place to be. Someone might be asking, what are you thinking, how can being in the middle of doting grandparents and self-serving children be ideal?

Being in the middle is ideal because God has given you the direct responsibility to lead your children. He has not given it to anyone else. If he has given you the responsibility, then you know that he has also given you the resources you need to carry out that responsibility. The first four verses of Ephesians 6 make this crystal clear. Children are to obey their parents, and fathers (and mothers) are to raise their children according to God’s discipline and instruction. This responsibility may not be ceded to grandparents. There is great hope in understanding the power of God’s direction. 

Let me explain. As parents you are concerned that grandparents may be upset because your parenting style is different from theirs. That’s okay. What is important is that your parenting style not be different from God’s. So, it is important that both the grandparents and the kids have a very clear understanding that you take your God-given responsibility seriously. If you look at time with the grandparents as time off from normal parenting, don’t be surprised when your children quickly learn to exploit the situation. Don’t be surprised if Grandpa and Grandma use their time with your children to “correct” some of the deficiencies that they see arising from your parenting methods. That is not unusual—it is the way people are.

The solution is to have clearly in mind what Scripture says your responsibilities are, and then communicate that to both the children and grandparents, BEFORE they are together. This does not need to be a time of confrontation or upset. In fact, your goal should be for growth and teamwork to develop, and for multi-generational ties to be strengthened. But this will only happen when parents have a clear vision for communicating that they are the ones responsible for the children. Communicate this with grace, understanding, honor, pleasantness, and firmness. The benefits of making this multi-generational vision function biblically are huge.

So, in the next several posts we will take a look at various scenarios regarding grandparents and grandchildren. If you have any particular situations you would like to ask about, please do so – just drop me a comment.

¹ O my people, hear my teaching;
       listen to the words of my mouth.

 ² I will open my mouth in parables,
       I will utter hidden things, things from of old-

 ³ what we have heard and known,
       what our fathers have told us.

 ⁴ We will not hide them from their children;
       we will tell the next generation
       the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,
       his power, and the wonders he has done.

 ⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob
       and established the law in Israel,
       which he commanded our forefathers
       to teach their children,

 ⁶ so the next generation would know them,
       even the children yet to be born,
       and they in turn would tell their children.

 ⁷ Then they would put their trust in God
       and would not forget his deeds
       but would keep his commands.  Psalm 78:1-7