Shepherding vs. Control

"The basis for ethical choices in behaviorism is pragmatic. Parents want a certain outcome of behavior, and children learn to choose their behavior based on punishment or reward. When God responds to his children’s behavior, he too is concerned about their actions. But more than that, God is concerned with the heart motives of his children.

 In a biblical vision, the basis for ethical decisions is the being, existence and glory of God. Biblical ethics reasons, “There is a God who has made me and all things. He tells me what to do for my good and his glory.” As we deal with the external behavior of our children, we also need to teach them to make decisions based on things deeper than anticipated punishment or reward. The fact that there is a God in heaven who has revealed his will to mankind forms the basis for decision-making.

There is such a close connection between the heart and behavior that whatever is used to constrain the behavior trains the hearts of our children. When a child is manipulated through shame, he learns to respond to shame. When guilt is used as a motive, he may grow to be a guilt-laden adult. If pride is the motivation, he may develop into a person whose concern is the fear of man or the desire to have the approval of people. And frequently homes where anger was used to beat family members into submission, produce angry adults.

The gospel will never be central in discipline, correction and motivation when behavior is manipulated. The parent who resorts to shame, guilt, threats or bribes is not placing their hope of change in the gospel.

There are many reasons parents use behaviorism to control their children. Perhaps we are motivated by pride; our children are our calling card after all. Maybe it is simply a matter of ease. Worse yet we are sometimes driven to control others. Maybe we are driven by the fear of man: We worry about what others will think of us if we seem ineffective with our children. Many idols of the heart will pollute our interventions with our children. These idols will not motivate us to act for the well-being of our child, but for our own reputations. Thus, our child’s good is not the driving force in our correction and discipline, but rather our personal sense of well-being. Our behavior in discipline is motivated by our hearts. This does not show the depth of concern for our children’s spiritual well-being.

Think about ungodly heart attitudes that we sometimes see in our children. For example, we see times when they are motivated by the desire for revenge. Our children defend themselves with words such as, “That child hit me first.” When a child makes that defense, there is an attitude of heart that has motivated behavior—the desire for revenge. We must teach them to entrust themselves to God. This is what Jesus did when he was persecuted, mocked and even beaten. He entrusted himself to the One who judges justly (1 Pet. 2:23). Instead of responding to his tormentors with retaliation, he went to his Father with trust. Our children may be motivated by the fear of man. Teens may ignore younger siblings to look cool to school friends. They may say and do what pleases the crowd rather than what would honor God. Fear of man may even result in a child showing greater loyalty to friends than to siblings or parents. We are tempted to scold or even threaten our children for unkindness. But we know that scolding won’t change attitudes of heart. Pride is often at the heart of conflict children have in the home. Your son lost the Monopoly game. He is upset. He knows it was only a game and not even Boardwalk or Park Place has any real value. He may be upset due to wounded pride (especially if the winner is younger or a girl). Help him understand the pride that motivates his response. You have an opportunity to speak with him about humility. Humility comes before honor."

Instructing a Child’s Heart, pages 149-151