One of the more dreaded of parental responsibilities is
telling children about sex. This conversation is often so awkward that both
parent and child wonder what good could come from it. Sometimes, there is no
actual conversation. A parent might hand a book to his or her child and say, "Read
this and let me know if you have any questions." There is a degree of
irony in this awkwardness. On the one hand, it is almost impossible to avoid
being confronted with sex. Movies,
billboards, commercials, songs, news reports, casual conversations, TV programs
etc., form a cultural bombardment of sexual themes that invade daily life. On
the other hand, at least in most Christian households, sex is not talked about
as a part of regular family conversation. So as soon as your children have
unsupervised access to the world outside your home, they will begin to hear of
affairs, gays, oral sex, liaisons, people being "hot," people being "turned
on," masturbation, and any number of references to sexual activity,
ranging from subtle to crude. Witness one of the headlines in today's USA
Today (Jan. 20, 2010) - "Sex on TV: it's increasingly uncut and unavoidable."
So what is not talked about at home is confronted with regularity outside the
home. The reality is that your children will likely hear about sexual activity
and sexual perversion long before you actually sit down to talk with them about
what sex is. You know this and your children know this. As I said--it's awkward.
This awkwardness has come about because the world and,
unfortunately, most Christians view sex in the same way. The world views sex as
something distinct from marriage. In the world's thinking, marriage is a place
where sex may occur, but marriage is not necessary for sex. There are no
restrictions in modern Western culture on when, where and with whom sexual
activity may take place. Restricting sex to marriage is at best a well-meaning
but archaic religious more that is simply a denial of basic human nature and
needs. So discussions about sexuality focus on having sex that is pleasurable
and safe. This view is the perspective embraced by advocates of sex education
in our school system. Masturbation, homosexual sex, and straight sex are all
appropriate. This is the inevitable outcome when marriage and sex become
separated from each other. The truth is that God designed sex for the setting
of marriage alone. This is where the discussion about sex must begin.
This point may not seem to be important, but it is. Sex and
marriage must be discussed together. Let's look at Genesis 1:28 and 2:24:
And God blessed them. And God said
to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and
over every living thing that moves on the earth."
Therefore a man shall leave his
father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one
flesh.
When asked about divorce, Jesus Christ put these two
passages together to define what marriage is.
"Haven't you
read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male
and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no
longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not
separate." Matthew 19:4-6
God made man male and female. He gave them the directive to
have children, to fill, subdue, and rule the earth for his pleasure. The call
to be fruitful and multiply is specifically tied to marriage in Genesis 2:24
and in Jesus Christ's commentary on this same passage. This relationship of husbands
and wives is consummated when they become one flesh as a result of their union.
Pre-Fall this meant that in marriage men and women were to be united as one
flesh to carry out God's mission of having dominion over the earth for God's
glory. In the perfect sinless world before the Fall, this calling could mean
nothing less. This is further underscored by Paul's quotation of this same
passage in Ephesians 5. Here Paul likens this one flesh relationship between
husband and wife to the relationship between Christ and his church.
This, then, is where you must start in teaching your
children about sex. Sex is not fundamentally a biological, physiological
activity. Sexuality is a necessary aspect of God's purpose for man to occupy
and control the earth for the glory of God. All of the physiological phenomena
that happen to the human body while engaging in sexual activity is expressly
designed by God to remind husbands and wives that they have been called to
unity, intimacy and procreation in their mission to have dominion over the
earth. Sexual activity is designed for a man and a woman who are obeying God in
marriage in order to bring honor to his name. The idea that sexual pleasure is
designed merely for self-interest is pagan at its core. It is dishonoring to
God to talk about sex in abstraction from marriage. Sex is specifically
designed for marriage and for nothing else.
This principle means that you want to lay the proper
foundation for talking about marriage and sex with your children. This will
provide a more natural transition when you talk with your children about the
specifics. The next few posts will address:
when to talk about sex and what specifics
should be covered at what age,
what sexual attraction is, and
abuses of God's provision for
sexual activity.
In some ways, these topics should be a part of your everyday
talk as parents, but there is still the appropriateness of having a specific
discussion when the time is right. I wanted to lay this foundation first: marriage
and sex go together. This one parameter will help you to present sexuality in a
way that honors God and blesses your children. I'll be looking forward to your
thoughts.
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I highly recommend the book, "Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)", by Joshua Harris. I'm currently going through this book with my son. I also recommend Tim Challies' "Sexual Detox" eBooks (one for married men and one for single men).
"Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)" is a great book, especially for teens and 20-somethings. I'm not sure, though, that it's the best one for talking with "children" about marriage and sex.
My wife and I have three daughters -- the oldest being 5 years old. And *we* want to be the first to discuss this issue with them; we therefore just can't wait until their teen years to talk about this subject.
We have been associating "child birth" with marriage and love and "planting seeds" (like they've seen in our garden). But they'll need more details and less metaphor as they grow older.
That said, I'm looking forward to reading your series, Jay.