This post continues our
series on talking to your children about marriage and sex. As we discussed in
the previous post, specific topics that need to be addressed should be
introduced incrementally.
One way to begin this
incremental process is to talk about modesty. Granted, each family will likely
have its own particular view of what is modest, but all families interested in
following biblical principles will be concerned about modesty. Modesty, like
all other guidelines, must be rooted in biblical soil to effectively point your
children to Christ. In I Timothy 2, modesty is tied to a lifestyle that is
appropriate for those who worship God. Paul is, in effect, stating that modesty
is consistent with moral purity and marriage. Thus, when you instruct your
young children to dress and act with modesty, you should also connect this standard
to loving God and preparing for marriage. Even with very young children you can
explain that there are certain parts of the body that are special and reserved
for one's husband or wife alone.
The same way of thinking also
applies to physical contact and affection. Affectionate physical contact is
special. While is it good and appropriate for immediate family members to show
physical affection for each other, it should be stressed that even this contact
must be done with modesty in mind. Affectionate contact that includes kissing,
touching and holding beyond the standards of biblical modesty set by your
family is to be reserved for marriage. Aggressive, consistent teaching in these
two areas--modesty and physical contact--will prepare both you and your children
for the more intimate details required when discussing the particulars of
sexuality.
Because of the overt sexual
themes of our culture, talking about specific sexual sins at increasingly
younger ages is essential, though perhaps regrettable. Gay marriage, oral sex,
hot bodies and similar expressions are now a part of daily life and
conversations. Terms such as these may appear in commercials or news programs
at any time during the day. Your elementary school children will hear them at
school, on the play ground, or even at church. As a parent, you must make it
your concern to know what your children are hearing when you are not around.
This is not as difficult to do as you might think. You can talk with teachers
who teach children the age of your children and find out what they hear being discussed.
Ask older siblings or children in your church what things are being discussed
by children similar in age to yours. Listen carefully to the conversations your
children have with other kids. Find out what TV programs and movies your
children's friends are watching and watch them yourself occasionally. Listen
carefully to your children and encourage them to discuss with you the things
they see and hear. By being faithful in this area you will learn what your kids
are being exposed to. This will tell you what you need to address with them,
and when. If your eight-year-old child is hearing about oral sex (and he very
well may be) he needs to hear from you how he should process this information.
If you have been careful to talk about biblical guidelines for modesty and
physical contact, you will already have a context for this discussion. You can
then say that oral sex is a form of kissing that is inappropriate outside of
marriage, and it is unwise for your child to be a part of conversations where
this is talked about. This discussion also connects to the topic of friendship:
What is pleasing to God in everyday life? With whom should we spend our time?
To whom should we pay attention? This is a necessary application of following
the directives of Deuteronomy 6:4-7. Your goal here is to have your children
arrive at the point where the instruction of Proverbs 6:20-24 becomes reality
for them. These two passages are two sides of the same coin. On the one side,
you want to be talking to your children about God in everyday life situations.
The other side of the coin is for your children buy into your teaching so that
it speaks to them when you are not with them.
This process is what I mean
by an incremental approach. But there does come the time when you will begin to
bring all of these things together in a more intentional (though still ongoing)
conversation about sexuality. For most children, this intentional phase should
occur between ages 10 and 12. Because of the ubiquitous sexual bent of our
culture, it would be unwise to wait longer than this time frame if you want to
have credibility with your children. The intentional discussion definitely
should occur before the onset of puberty for both boys and girls. It is not a
good thing for children to begin to experience biological changes in their body
and not have a biblical, loving context in which to place them.
This time frame means that you
should prepare for a number of intentional discussions about sexuality and
marriage, taking place over a period of a few months. These discussions would
then form the foundation for future talks about sexuality and marriage with
your children until they become married.
The topics you want to
discuss in these intentional discussions would cover:
Understanding
that puberty is part of God's plan for preparing for marriage.
The anatomical changes that occur with
puberty.
How these changes are preparing the
body for sexual activity in marriage.
Modest,
discreet descriptions of what happens in sexual intercourse.
The
role of sexual intercourse in:
Intimacy
and pleasure
Procreation
Expression
of unity in the one flesh relationship
Worship
of God
How
loving and fearing God impacts sexual attraction
How
to begin loving the husband or wife that God will bring in the future
Having intentional
discussions about these topics will benefit you and your children as you live
life for his glory and honor.
In the next post we will
address some particulars about what to say in these conversations.
This article has been tagged with:
"As a parent, you must make it your concern to know what your children are hearing when you are not around."
What about children who are not interacting with others outside of parental observation. I know this is not practical nor wise for older children but they are 1, 4, 7, and 8. I am certain that none of these words or phrases have turned the proverbial wheels in their little heads yet.[We do not intentionaly shelter them from the world even though it may sound that way. In order to be useful a candle needs to be in the darkness. But unless I was sure that they had the instruction they need and matured to the point of excercising that instruction, I would never consider leaving them alone among those who are not Christs and well known to the family.] I can remember at eleven years of age being "enlightened to the facts" and up to that point I was clueless. I have no memory of even being curious or suspicious before then. Certainly we cannot be too zealous in keeping communication open and active with them but is it necessary or wise to load any of this into their minds this early? I am not neive enough to think they are beyond hearing things but I think this should be considered the exception rather than the rule. I should always be prepared for this but not jump the gun by giving it to them first. I certainly want to be prepared for when they do ask questions and also give them the information they need ,at the proper time, even if they have not asked questions. Everything I do now as a father, I believe, will carry an enormous amount of weight when it comes to instruction on this matter in the future. Can I trust what dad says? Are Gods standards important to dad? Does dad listen when I talk to him? Can I ask any questions without fear of reprisal? Do dad and mom make marriage look exciting and something to be treasured? Giving them confidence in these questions early on will go much farther than any facts on sex will.
Jacob, thanks for your comment. I agree with you that we should not introduce issues about sexuality before it is necessary. The point of Proverbs 6:20-24 is to be able to anticipate when instruction about sexual matters will be needed for your children. In this culture this instruction will be needed at much younger ages than it was even 10 years ago. Also, it is important to remember the teaching of Galatians 5:19-21. There is the real danger of the enemy within. We must help our children address these concerns as well. Hope this helps.