We have been looking at
Philippians 1:27-2:5 the last few posts. This passage is often used to
encourage Christians toward godly relationships within the church community, and
as we have seen, it is a wonderful principle for relationships in families. In
this post, though, I want to look specifically at the admonition in verse 3 to
avoid selfishness. In a relational conflict, the default mode is to blame the
other person. This becomes more pointed when authority is involved--for example,
parental authority. A parent gives a directive or command and a child does not
follow this command or chooses to dispute it. Especially if the child is a
teenager, this scenario raises the tension level. The parent is committed to
standing firm on the basis of his authority. The teenager is just as committed
to holding out for fairness and personal rights. Often, what follows is not
pretty.
The apostle Paul is addressing
just such a situation in this passage. The Holy Spirit's admonition here is
clear and humbling. Here are several translations of verse 3:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves. NIV
Do
nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant
than yourselves. ESV
Do
nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more
important than yourselves. HCSB
Do
nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one
another as more important than yourselves... NASB
Few parents readily admit
to acting on the motive of selfish ambition--sin deceives us, after all. But
notice, however, that this verse contrasts selfish ambition or rivalry with
regarding others as more important or significant than yourself. Perhaps
opposing these two traits makes the point more directly. Parents, do you regard
your teenagers as more important than yourself? Before you answer that, let me
say that regarding your teenagers as being more important, significant or
better than yourself doesn't necessarily mean that you follow their wishes.
What does it mean? It means
that you treat them with the respect
that Scripture calls for. Your children are a trust, a blessing given to you by
God. He calls upon you to live with them as he directs, not as you feel. So,
following the example of the way God treats you, you are not to treat them as they
deserve to be treated (Psalm 103:10). Instead, you listen intently and
respectfully (Proverbs 18:13 &15), you say only things that are designed to
benefit them (Ephesians 4:29), and you use pleasant words when you speak to
them (Proverbs 16:20-24). Following these simple principles with your teenagers
(or with anyone) is equivalent to considering them more important than
yourself.
Now contrast the behavior we
just talked about with a typical conversation. If you had a conversation with
your teenager, and someone were to interview your teenager immediately after that
conversation to hear his reaction to the conversation, what would he say? Would
he say that you listened to him respectfully, wanting to fully understand him before
you answered? Would she say that the
words that you did speak were carefully chosen to show care for her and address
her concerns? Would your teenager say that the words you used were pleasant and
built them up? Perhaps someone is thinking, the only person I communicate
that way to is my boss! Really? Then you're getting the point.
Paul is saying that this
kind of talk shows that your hearer is more important than you are. Perhaps you're
thinking that it would be nice if your teenager treated you this way! While
that's true, Matthew 7:12 applies here: if this is the way you would like to be
treated, then this is how you should treat
others.
When you don't consider
others, including your children, as more important than you, it reveals a
spirit of selfishness, even an ambitious spirit, that says others exist to
serve you. Each translation listed earlier mentions the theme of conceit. So
many conflicts between parents and children end with each person thinking the
other person cares only about his own selfish needs. These words in Philippians
provide a practical and effective way to break this cycle.
As always, give this some
thought and share your ideas with us.
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Excellent post, Jay. As I have parented for 15 years, I have seen how selfishness and pushing my own agenda has been so damaging. Praise God that He redeems the years the locusts eat! I can see how humbling myself brings healing. I am looking forward as always to all you have to write. Thank you for your time in this.