Must your children obey before you can delight in them?

Posted on May 2, 2014 · Posted in Gospel, Parenting

Do your kids think that God or you will only be pleased with them if they obey him and obey you? Do your kids think that the gospel means that they must be good so God will love them? Do your kids think that they must be good for you to like them, for you to love and delight in them?


Listen to your children talk about their understanding of the gospel. You may be thinking that children seldom, if ever, sit around and talk about the gospel. Actually, they do. Listen to your children talk. Listen to what makes them happy or sad. Listen to what they say about how you love them. 


“Mommy, I’m sorry I make you angry.”

“Daddy, I won’t do it again.”

“Why is everybody mad at me?”

“Do you think God is mad at me?”

“He hurt me, so I hit him back.”

“I am sorry that I am not good enough to make you happy.”

“I’ll be good, I promise. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I try and try and try but I just can’t do what you want me to.”

“I guess I am just not good enough.”

“Mommy, I just can’t do it. I try but I just can’t.”


Have you ever heard words like these from your children? These statements indicate what your children think about the gospel. These kinds of statements show that performance (not grace) forms the basis of how your children are attempting to relate to you and to God.


Are you able to delight in your children simply because God gave them to you and you love them? Or must your children behave in a way that pleases you before you can delight in them? Do you forget that God loves you because you belong to him and not because you obey?


You must show the power of gospel grace in the way you live with your children. When your children complain that they can’t do what God wants, you must seize the opportunity to respond with the powerful gospel of grace. This is your opportunity to say, “Sweetheart, I know that you can’t obey by yourself. This is why Jesus died. He did what you cannot do. He can help you to trust Him. Let’s ask Jesus to forgive you and help you love Him by the power of His gospel.”


Jay Younts
Jay Younts is the Shepherd Press blogger. He is the author of Everyday Talk and other materials on parenting. He has been teaching and speaking on parenting issues for 30 years. Jay and his wife, Ruth, live in Fountain Inn, South Carolina. He serves as a ruling elder at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Moore, South Carolina. He and Ruth have five adult children.