Eight-year-old Ryan is having a hard day. Several things he has wanted to do haven’t happened. Now a thunderstorm has wiped out playing with his friends outside. He feels he has every justification to be grumpy. Then Mom says this:
“Ryan, I need your help right now in getting ready for company tonight. Would you watch your sisters for me?”
“Mom! This isn’t fair. All day things have not been fair. And now you want me to watch Sarah and Michelle? Can’t I have a break?”
Mom realizes Ryan is struggling. So, instead of forcing the issue in a way that would certainly lead to discipline, she takes a minute and calls Ryan over to the couch to sit with her. (Parenting is not an automated routine. In another instance, pursuing direct discipline would have been appropriate. Here mom is exercising wisdom as to how to best help eight-year-old Ryan where he is right now.)
“Ryan, it is has been a hard day, huh?”
“I guess so”.
“Let me see, school didn’t go well, you don’t feel great, your favorite basketball team lost last night, the storm kept you from going outside, and now I want you to watch your sisters. Is that some of what you think is making things unfair?”
“Yeah, and Sean hasn’t wanted to talk much recently.”
“Ah, I wondered about that when I saw he was hanging out with some other guys at church on Sunday. That’s kind of hard, too, huh?”
“Yeah, mom. I didn’t know you knew about all that stuff.”
“That’s my job, Ryan. What happens in your life matters to me.”
“Thanks, mom. Does this mean I still have to watch Sarah and Michelle?”
“I am afraid so. But what is really important is do you know who else is watching over what happens in your life?”
“Yeah, I know, God. But it still seems unfair.”
“Sweetheart, I know that is how you feel. But, how you feel is not the most important thing in life, right?”
“I know, I know. That is what you and dad keep saying. But I know dad is not too happy about the basketball game either.”
“You are right about that! But he knows that God is still good and he went to work just like he always does. And right now, you need to trust God and go play with your sisters while I finish getting ready. Okay.”
“Okay, mom.”
Later, after dinner is over and the girls are in bed, dad comes over to Ryan.
“Hey kid, mom tells me you have had kind of a rough day.”
“Yeah, but she helped me get through it, even though I was kind of grumpy.”
“Your mom is like that. Hey, you want to try a little bit of the brownie that mom made for tomorrow?”
“Sure! But…”
“You are wondering why you should get a treat when you have not exactly been the most pleasant kid on the planet today?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“Ryan, God does not treat us as our sins deserve. If God treated you and me the way our sins deserve you and I would be in big trouble. You know that, right?”
“I know dad, you’re right.”
“Cool. Do you think there is something you need to talk to mom about?”
“Yeah, I need to ask her to forgive me for being so grumpy today. Thanks for understanding.”
Conversations like this do not happen by accident. There is no magic technique that can be employed. This kind of conversation is the result of praying and planning by mom and dad. It is the result of carefully observing the things going on in their children’s world. In this case, mom made a judgment call as to how best to address this situation with Ryan. This is the result of a consistent commitment to God being lived out in everyday life.
This conversation is part of a conscious effort of Ryan’s parents to make God’s wisdom attractive to their children. It illustrates the difference between instruction and manipulation.
9 thoughts on “Helping a Grumpy Eight-Year-Old”
A great reminder for me to take the time to figure out how to best help my kids, and not to react in a way that will worsen their mood. I like to justify my bad moods, but get on my kids to stop theirs. Thank you for this <3
Candy, thanks for your comment. The example conversations I use in these posts are actually composites of actual conversations that I have observed over the years people I have known and worked with These conversations don’t happen automatically. But with obvious variations depending on the particular families they can and do happen. Thanks for your encouragement.
Candy,
I have to disagree with you on how the 8yr old boy spoke in this blog. He sounds just like my 8yr old son. We have brought our kids up with ‘big’ words and all 3 (10 yr old daughter & 12 yr old son)of mine do very well in conversations….when I slow down and listen to them. 😉 Sometimes I forget to do that. 🙂
Believe me, if you get the kid alone & speak with them, they do sound grown up.
I agree with Candy…very unrealistic conversation; however, I am sure there are a few children that speak like that, but definitely not the majority. Very good points in the article, and I was encouraged and challenged to use some of the advice with my sometimes grumpy child.
I’d like to see this conversation played out between a weekday kids group (church) leader and a grumpy girl. There are helpers so that either a leader or helper can take a child aside.
Yes! I have a 13 year old grumpy (pessimistic) daughter and have these kinds of conversations with her often. Letting her know that I understand the reasons behind her grumpiness almost always softens her heart toward me, to eventually hear encouragement and gain much needed perspective that things aren’t really so bad. Much more effective than just barking at our kids to “shape up.” Their disappointment is genuine and should not be glossed over, and this is a wonderful training ground to teach them how to deal with bigger disappointments they are sure to face on their own in the future. Thanks as always, Jay!
My mom used to do this with us often. I’m glad she did, I can pass this on to my kids. The bond that is built while doing this can never be broken.
I agree with Candy and Amy. Eight years old children talking with that level of maturity is more the exception and not the rule. I am sure there is a small percentage of children that age that can communicate like that, but that is not the most common way to communicate for the highest percentage of eight years old children. I feel it would be more helpful to read an illustration with the most common answers and behavior of children that group age. The idea behind the article was very good though. As a mother, more often that I would like to admit, I tend to discipline my child instead of talking to him. The article has made me reflect about that, therefore, in the future I will be more conscious about talking to my child first.
I think that we don’t give our children enough credit of how smart and capable they truly are. Think about it -we are made in the image of God – who is remarkable, all knowing and spoke the world into existence. A world of intricacies and beauties that scientists are trying to discover explanations for – basically searching the mind of God. I have found that when i am in the presence of a child who has been limited, when i choose not to accept that limitation, i find them more capable than the box they have been put into. God cannot be put in a box and neither should his creation. I for one desire to be able to speak in such a positive, gentle manner to my child rather than focus on their limits of the English language. That being said – Thank you for another inspiring article. You are a blessing to Parents.