“All you care about is your stupid rules! You care about your rules more than you do about me! Thanks, a lot for not caring.”
With these words your 14 year-old storms back to her room.
Sadly, this exchange is not unusual. Parents want to protect their children. Their teenagers don’t think they need protection. The parents make rules. The teenagers think the rules are arbitrary and say so, well, not in those exact words. The parents feel disrespected. The teenagers feel abandoned. The parents tighten up on the rules. The teenagers are convinced the parents don’t care and don’t want to care.
Nothing less than wisdom from above can address this breakdown. The Holy Spirit describes wisdom from above this way:
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:17-18
Take particular note of the fourth component listed, open to reason. In the teenage wars few would say their parents are open to reason. If you want to make progress in working out the stalemate with teenagers, I would suggest you start here. I am not excusing teenagers poor behavior, but leadership starts with the parents.
To be open to reason, you must be both wise and confident. The wise parent is comfortable with God’s word. He knows that a wise parent listens first and asks questions later. The parent who is open to reason welcomes the opportunity to hear from others. He knows where to find answers in his Bible. He is not afraid to hear what others say or want, because he knows God’s Word addresses every issue he might face. He genuinely wants God’s answers more than he wants to prove himself right.
In a dispute, self-protection is often the first instinct. But for the wise parent, the first thought will be to listen, so that genuine understanding can develop. The wise parent isn’t compelled to defend himself first. This attitude breaks down barriers rather than erecting them.
Being open to reason is an important component of wisdom from above. Are you open to reason? Would your teenagers say that you are open to reason?
2 thoughts on “Open to reason”
Thank you for this Scriptural insight! I confess I have been sorely lacking in this regard.
I have often wondered if the reason why parents and teens get into it is because parents are reluctant to be genuine and honest in front of their children? Admitting that you, as the parent, are uncomfortable about a situation, thing, belief, etc., that your child has and explaining why from examples of your own life, is much more effective than the “because I said so” routine.
I also wonder why when we become parents we quickly forget what it was like to be a teenager. Your teen wants you to understand how important the particular item is to them vis a vis their peers. So saying, “Would you also jump off a cliff if your friends did?” is not helpful. Your teen may really be anxious about fitting in or not actually want to do what everyone else is doing, but they don’t know how to circumvent the situation. Without genuine communication with your teens, you are not helping them make the right decisions, nor are you giving them any tools to help them accomplish the task.
With words such as, I understand; I know it is difficult for you to believe what I am saying right now; I love you very much and I want you to be happy, but …; let’s talk about how you are going to handle…; I am not very comfortable with you going to XYZ or with XXX, because …., or have you considered what would happen if,…?
parents will show teens their love, not their power and their teens will see parents that are interested in them and in their welfare.
Listening with respect before speaking is an important aspect of communication which we all need to practice for good interpersonal skills all around.