“That’s a bad idea! How could you think of something that awful?”
“That’s a pretty good job. But you know, if you just did this one part a little bit more carefully, it would be really great.”
“That stinks!”
“That is not what I told you to do.”
“Well, maybe next time you’ll do better.”
The five examples of criticism listed above are painful to read and even more painful to hear. Hearing someone’s unkind and unfair criticism does indeed present a trial and a challenge.
From a gospel-centered perspective your first thought when you receive unfair criticism should focus on how you can return good for evil—because this is what God has done for you. God has not treated you as your sins deserve. This is how he wants you to respond to unfair criticism. The flesh cries out for a quick comeback that puts the critical speaker in his place. God calls you to give grace instead of anger. Self-centered anger calls for a quick, witty put-down. In contrast, the Holy Spirit says that a soft answer turns away wrath.
If your habit is to bristle at criticism, you will seldom recognize the value of a rebuke. James says that you should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Even if a particular criticism seems unwarranted, you would be wise to consider whether there may be something in the criticism that you should consider. In any event, a quick, cutting response is not one that displays the beauty of the gospel. This is an important point to consider as you work at being a Christ-like example to your children. If you do not model the grace of Christ’s love in your conversations, who will?
Additionally, an aversion to criticism will hinder your ability to lead your children and to be a loving spouse. Being defensive first and asking questions later is destructive to relationships. Here is a better way.
Instead of snapping back or being hurt or defensive when you think you are unfairly criticized, have the courage to calmly say, “Please forgive me for not being sensitive to you. Help me understand how I have hurt you. Let’s work through this together.”
This type of response is an example of a soft answer turning away wrath. This will strengthen your marriage and help build stronger relationships with your children.
Yes, unfair, stinging criticism is difficult to receive. But the power of the cross is available to you. We no longer have to live as the world does. We have no reason to fire a quick response at an unkind remark. We can live trusting the words of the Holy Spirit which tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath. We can seek peace. We can live the gospel.
8 thoughts on “A gospel-centered response to criticism”
We all need to hear this. I know I do! I can be very “witty”, but would have been better off being kind. Especially to the unsaved. They need to see a difference in us and it is a shame when you have to turn to the world for kindness because the Christians are too busy backbiting!!
Jennifer – One thing would be to figure out ways to practically return good for evil. If he is mocking, remember he is the one with the problem, not you! You can be compassionate and offer him something to drink or ask him how you can help him with something. Ask about his family, friends,work etc. Don’t get into a debate but within reason find ways to serve, go the second mile. He is the one in need of help, not you. Who knows how he will respond. He might become more strident or he might not be sure what to do. but you will be confident that you are responding as the Lord commanded you. Let me know if this helps. Thanks for your comment!
Hi Jennifer – I feel your frustration and hurt – my criticism comes from my own “Christian” direct family. One thing that has made me grateful for their criticism and resistance is, it made me aware of the confidence I lack in who I am in Christ. It has allowed me to become even closer with God and my trust in Him has strengthened also. The other thing is – the WWJD slogan has become WDJD (what did Jesus do). Seek Him out – especially in Matthew and how He handled Himself during adversity. It does not at all align with the way we have been trained in modern times which is why we remain scared, frustrated, ineffective….. Just ask the Lord to show you and He will. And oh, pray for those who frustrate and hurt you – hardest part but the most rewarding, as He promised.
One factor to keep in your mind and heart is to show Christ to your husband in your responses. God, because of Christ, does not treat us as our sins deserve. So, that takes the burden away from being dominated by hurt. Just as Christ loves you when you are unlovely, you can do the same for your husband. ( I am assuming this is not an abusive situation.) So you can say things like, please forgive me for not being sensitive to you. please let me know how I can respond in a way that is building to you and our relationship. I know this may sound a little like asking the executioner to pull the trigger, but this is what returning good for evil is all about. Romans 12:17-21 applies to Christians as well. Same thing with Pro. 15:1. Find ways to show appreciation instead of keeping score of how many times you have been hurt. When we are hurt the last thing we seem to do is show gratitude to others. Just remember here, your job is not to appease your husband but to honor Christ in your responses. Try directing your witty skills towards yourself rather than towards your husband. Remember the grace shown to you and that it was God’s purpose to provide this man for you. Negative responses often mean that someone is hurting inside. See if you can help be a healer in that regard. James 3:17-18 is a great guide here. Hope this is helpful to you – thanks for your kind words.
Oh my goodness, I could have used this a week ago. 🙂 Hoping there won’t be a “next time” but most likely there will and I will apply this! Thank you!!
Steph everything you just said describes my marriage to the “T”. I believe the Holy Spirit has out this blog in my hands at the right time. And then reading your response, knowing I am not the only one struggling with this.
This is very good but how do you use love and righteous anger together?
Biblical love is never easy, it takes tremendous courage to return good for evil. True righteous anger will lead to love. As Paul says, we are to speak the truth in love. Sin should make us angry, but that anger should lead us to compassion.