Human anger and biblical discipline do not mix. Man’s anger will not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:20) The key phrase is the righteous life that God desires. God did not give you your children so that you could teach them to follow your desires and wishes. When you make parenting about your desires, then, in your mind, God exists to serve you, to support your agenda and standards. When this role reversal occurs, even if unintentional, you attempt to make God subordinate to your will. This will produce anger and frustration, first in you and then in your children.
Anger is an indication that your desires have become the most important thing.
God has not called you to implement your agenda, but his. When children sin, that sin is primarily against God. God has placed children in your home so that they would be confronted and disciplined in a way that leads to the gospel. In this light, being able to recognize your children’s sin is a great blessing. Yes, you read correctly—a great blessing.
If you view your children’s sin primarily as a failure to obey you, then their behavior becomes an interruption, an irritation, a continuing exercise in frustration. You will be given to anger and miss opportunities to display the beauty of the gospel.
When addressing sin in your children, the theme of gospel grace must not be excluded! If all you are doing in discipline is correcting behavior, then the core component of biblical discipline, the gospel, will be missing. The gospel is not necessary if your aim is only to have a child who will obey quickly and have a clean room. However, the gospel is essential if you are to lead your children towards Christ and to find redemption for their rebellious hearts.
Discipline that is based on the gospel is motivated by love for God and not by irritation at bad behavior. Gospel-based discipline is implemented by a combination of pleasant words (Proverbs 16:20-24) and loving discipline. Harsh, stern words, hurt feelings and frustration will provoke you and your children to anger.
Your children’s disobedience is not a reason for anger. Their sin is a call to you to bring the power of the gospel to your kids. Their sin is a call for grace. Yes, you must discipline and train them. But your discipline must not flow from anger but from a love for God that calls your children to the grace and wonder of following God’s commands.
14 thoughts on “Anger – when you parent your way”
Great points but far to simplistic. It is not as easy as reading this article to go from one behavior to the other. The anger is a known method while showing grace to draw kids to Christ is often a very foreign method. If one doesn’t have the better method mastered, then the anger method quickly comes in to play.
Parents need a no or very low cost program that intervenes without judgment. They need to be “shown the ropes” step by step. They need to see the results of Godly parenting several times over as they practice it, under loving guidance, in order to actually perform it regularly. Otherwise an article like this sounds nice but is as effective as small roadpatch in a sinkhole.
Sharen, Short posts can only stir thinking and can’t offer a detailed plan to address every aspect of the problem of anger in parenting. If you check out the blog at Shepherdpress.com you will find many articles on the specific issues you raise. You will also find many books there which give detailed biblical counsel for parenting. Hope this helps. Thanks for your comment.
This really spoke to me this morning. I dropped my daughter off at school with both of us upset because of a bad choice she made. I know wishing to go back in time is futile but I am hoping this will stick in my mind the next time I have to deal with a situation as I did. Thank you for being Jesus’s words to me this morning.
I realize that at times our emotions run away with us but we all need to be reminded constantly to fight the good fight and to be exemplary.
Some practical tips would have been a nice addition.
Belinda, there are many posts on our blog which address practical issues. You check it out at shepherdpress.com/blog Thanks for your comment.
Alicia, I strongly recommend Shepherding a Child’s Heart as the place to start. You can find the book at Shepherdpress.com. There is also a video of the same material. May God bless you as you work with your kids!
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Wonderful reminder. Thank you. I am blessed with three sons. As a pastors daughter whose children attend a private school run by my church (and their grandfather as headmaster and teacher and pastor), my sons are growing in grace – but that doesnt mean they dont try my patience on a daily basis. What is it about teenage boys that makes them unable to wake up and get out of bed? I feel as if I start every morning yelling at them to get up and out of bed, over and over again. It is as if they dont hear me until I have TRULY lost it…and then wonder why I am so upset. This is an excellent reminder. thank you.
Davida, thanks for you for your comment. One observation I have there is a need to connect purpose to the lives of teenagers and the things that we expect them to do as parents. Hence, getting them out of bed becomes a major challenge because they don’t see the immediate connection of why they should respond quickly. This does not excuse the lack of responsiveness, but it does point out where the crucial issues lie. This is where I think more time is needed – to establish importance of why teenagers should do what they are bing asked to do. Five year olds should do what they are told without explanation, but teenagers growing close to be adults would need more support data than 5 years olds. This is a difficult challenge for parents to maintain respect and quick obedience and helping their kids to see the relevant importance of their daily responsibilities. Thanks very much for your thoughts!
Thank you so much for your question. Specifically you want to reference the particular sin that was committed. So you could say, “God’s word says that we are to be kind and compassionate to each other. Yelling at your brother is not kind. Here is how the Bible says you should respond… You don’t want to lay guild on your children but loving correction. I wold recommend you look at some of our books for direction on how to build good communication skills with your kids. Check out Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Don’t Make Me Count to Three, and Everyday Talk – they are all available at Shepherdpress.com. Let me know if this helps!
It helps greatly. Grateful!
I try so hard to be kind and loving towards my children. They are ages 14,12,11,8 and 2. I want to be a good mom. I can’t seem to think when I get upset. I grew up in a very loud and angry (or absent) household. I feel like I am doing better than my parents did, but still feel like I am not good enough. I only know what I have experienced, how can I learn more? How can I be the loving, explain-it-patiently, move on kind of mom?
Thank you for your comment. Faithful parenting is a challenge! i would recommend that you read Shepherding a Child’s Heart or view the DVD series by the same name. There is no simple easy answer to your question, but these materials will give you a solid foundation to build the kind of relationship you seek.Also our blog, here at Shepherd Press has many posts that address the concerns you raise. You can find the materials and the blog at https://www.shepherdpress.com May God bless you.