This is an important question. Do your children say thinks like:
“I’m really glad Dad spoke to me about that; I really needed his help.”
“Mom, thanks for caring enough to keep me out of trouble.”
The purpose of biblical authority is encourage and build up ( 2 Corinthians 13:10). But sometimes our children are last ones to recognize this. Here are three principles to help make the exercise your authority a blessing to your children.
First: Listen well so that you can speak well.
Commit yourself to be a skilled, aggressive listener. Your goal is to be able to repeat the words you hear back to your children in such a way that they can affirm that you really do understand them. You don’t always have to agree, but you must always understand. This attentiveness shows respect for your children and honor for your Lord. It also indicates that you view your authority as an opportunity to be a servant. Answering quickly, without fully understanding the intentions of your children shows a lack of love and respect. Proverbs 18:13 and Ephesians 4:29 teach that you must listen well in order to speak things that will benefit your children.
“Wow, mom, I had no idea you really understood me.”
Second: when you do speak, use language that is pleasant and gracious. Harsh, frustrated tones and sarcastic answers do not build relationships.
Your goal is to make God’s wisdom attractive. Sharp language indicates that you are pushing you own agenda rather than God’s. Pleasant language, even when firm, is needed for growth. Irritation often reveals self-righteousness. A soft, understanding answer spoken with pleasant words will help avert upsets and promote instruction that will actually bless your children (Proverbs 15:1 & 16:21)
“Thanks dad, I get it now.”
Third: beware of anger. Anger and authority should seldom be seen together.
Anger is not the tool of a builder. Anger shouts that you, the parent, have been offended. Rather, the focus must be on God. The problems and struggles your children are having have more to do with God than with you. Your goal is to use your authority to point your children to Christ. Your anger does not make God important, it places the emphasis on you. Don’t excuse your anger because you think your children deserve it. Anger will drive those close to you far from you (See James 1:19&20).
“It really means a lot that you were not angry even though I messed up.”
These three principles will help make your authority a blessing that your children will love and depend upon.
5 thoughts on “Are your children grateful for your authority?”
Really easy for someone to say, but when you have an almost 5 year old who doesn’t care, doesn’t respect authority, doesn’t respond to”heartfelt talks” and he hurts people like his older siblings…I really have no idea how one can hold their composure when he’s running the madness in the house.
Jennifer, Sorry to hear of your struggles. The best advice I can give is to get ahold of Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp and work your way through it. If you can’t afford a copy, let me know and we will send it to you.
Great advice. I find I don’t always listen to my 3 children. I want and need to listen more attentively and respond in a loving manner.
I’ve learned to apologize to my children. I believe it goes a long ways.
Thanks for sharing this! I need to remember to beware of anger. It is so true that when I get angry it is usually because I feel offended. The focus does need to be on God and Him alone.
I was so convicted of this – being irritated or angry – thank you for sharing to re=focus me on the real issues.