Biblical discipline has to do with love and delight, not primarily accountability and control. Biblical discipline is not about fairness, it is about mercy. Biblical discipline is not about treating children as their sins deserve. Would you really ask God to treat you as your sins deserve? If you don’t want God to treat you with fairness, then don’t make fairness the standard of your parenting. How much of the wonder and mercy of biblical discipline do you communicate to your children?
Stay with me here! I am not advocating laissez-faire parenting or child-centered discipline. The truth is you only have hope because God does not treat you as your sins deserve. This is the gospel message of the cross. This liberating message often gets lost in the language of parenting.
Following Hebrews 12 and Proverbs 3, parental authority is to be administered with loving discipline. Discipline is not justice. Discipline is not retribution. Justice and retribution have to do with judgment and hell, not parenting.
When a young child is disciplined and trained, he should hear pleasant words and loving direction accompanying that discipline. Each child should hear about the wonder and power of God. He should also hear that his parents are acting under God’s authority and direction. When frustration, anger, or lack of patience creeps into the parental voice, so do the concepts of fairness, justice and retribution.
What voice do your children hear? Is it the voice of fair treatment for sin? Fair treatment fits with self-sufficiency. This is the formula for fairness: I did what was wrong, I paid the price. This leads to self-sufficient pride. Your children must hear discipline administered with voice of mercy. This is the discipline given by a parent who is overwhelmed by the mind-blowing truth that God does not treat us as our sins deserve (Psalm 130:3-4)?
There is only one payment for justice, one act that can serve as retribution for our sin. Only the sinless life of Jesus Christ offered in sacrifice on the cross can address the issues of justice and retribution. Don’t offer fairness to your children. Offer them the mercy of biblical discipline that flows from the gospel.