God has not called parents to explain but to train. Explanations often lead to frustration and anger for both parents and children. Children are not in need of lengthy, compelling explanations. What they are in need of is the understanding that God must be obeyed. Ephesians 6:4 addresses this issue:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Explanations tend to focus on getting someone to agree with you. The logic for explanations runs something like this: If I can just get my children to understand the reason for my direction, then they will be more likely to follow my instruction. While this may sound like solid reasoning, it is not. Explanations are more consistent with gaining approval and winning arguments. Neither of these are appropriate goals for biblical parenting and can lead to anger in your children as Ephesians warns against.
This doesn’t mean your parenting is to be arbitrary. You must use kind and pleasant words to instruct your children. You must be patient. You must be sensitive to your children. But you are not attempting to secure their approval for your instruction. This can easily lead to manipulation rather than discipline and instruction.
With young children and toddlers, lengthy explanations cloud the real issue. Obedience is a response to God’s authority. Biblical obedience is not a matter of winning a debate. Young children must be trained to obey right away, to do exactly as they are told, and to obey with a good attitude.
Children from 6-12 must be encouraged to obey because they know this pleases God. Your discussions will be more involved than with young children, but again you are not trying to win their approval. You want them to grasp how important it is to trust God and the reliability of his word. This type of training will yield a conscience that is sensitive to the things of God.
It doesn’t take much insight to realize that teenagers and long explanations don’t go well together. Obedience with teenagers is to be primarily be focused on helping them see the value of following God because they love him and that God’s ways are the only ones that can be trusted. Your goal is to have conversations not explanations.
Explanations may be well intended. But at the root of many conflicts in families is the attempt to explain rather than to train. Don’t provoke your children to anger. Provide them with the loving instruction of your heavenly Father.
Something to think about.
19 thoughts on “The problem with explanations”
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I might explain after they obey, but only if they’re developmentally ready. Otherwise explanations can cause frustration.
Wow! I just had this discussion with someone the other day. I said that if we try to “explain” everything to children, what will happen when God calls on them to obey and He is not giving a reason? We obey God because it is right, because God is worthy to be obeyed. It makes it easier for me to obey (without God’s explanation) as I know God more and more, as I know He is always good, always right, knows the beginning and the end of everything. I think when children know their parents are loving and wise, that’s more important than understanding “why” the parents do what they do. Thank you for this wisdom about how explanations are often used for gaining approval and winning arguments, how they lead to anger and frustration. My kids are grown, but I am still learning. 🙂 I don’t think I would have ever considered explanations leading to “provoking” children.
I truly agree with this..
If you have wisdom explaining is the best thing you can do
for a child; however if decisions are based on ideas their children are never
taught or background information that parents keep private, then explaining
with lies and deceit is not every effective and thus this article
applies. It is unwise to believe that “do not provoke your kids to
anger” means “just because, now leave me alone/do as you’re
told!” (Managing children verse leading children). Jesus
always explained to his children, especially the “wise” and elderly…sjl
The stated point of the post is to move parents and children to the place where meaningful conversations take place. Lengthy explanations often lead to monologues instead of dialogues.
Carlos here is an example of each.
Explanation – Johnny it is time to go the store. It would really help mommy if you could put your toys away quickly so that it is not a distraction for your sister. This is really important for us to get going. Daddy will be home soon and I want to get back before he gets home. I know you were enjoying your game and thought we would have a longer time to get ready by we don’t. but I will try to make it up to you as soon as I can, okay. so please be supportive and help mommy get ready to go. It is really good to obey God and move quickly. We want to beat the traffic.
Instruction: Johnny, please quickly pick up your toys and put your shoes on. I have to go the store for a quick trip. Wait right by the front door and mommy will be right back with Leola. Thank you for obeying quickly. I am so thankful that you have been obeying without complaining. I love you!
As you can see the instruction is more compact and directive. And as the post indicates as children get older you will want to work more towards having two way conversations and dialogue. Hope this helps.
Your blog post doesn’t reflect what you said on this comment.
Jim, it does if you allow this comment to define what instruction means.
Proverbs 4:7 says: “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.” I believe there is a place for explanation. It is part of gaining a solid understanding in why you do what you do. Yes, teach and train children to obey. But also, there is a place to explain how things work. There are too many children who walk away from the faith because at some point, they have only done things because their parents made them do it. Explanation is key in developing true understanding. It is wise to obey, but you need to take it a step further and develop understanding. Lastly, you need to equip your child with knowledge. It’s part of teaching them how to stand firm in life and to not only obey, but also teach the next generation true obedience. “Do it because I told you to” may be best for a 2 year old, but it isn’t for a 14 year old. I’m concerned that what you preach is going to raise a generation of young men and women who do the right thing but don’t have a foundation to stand on. When that foundation is shaken, I’m afraid without understanding, it will fall. “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength.” Proverbs 24:3-6 (Yes, we obey wih the heart, this is true and very important to God. But so is our MIND and our STRENGTH. Don’t raise a generation of dumb Christians. Raise ones who can explain and defend their faith beyond, “My mommy told me to do it.”)
JL – if you had read through post, you would have noticed at least 2 things. The first is that nowhere in the post is anyone told that one should do something because “I told you so.” That does not work for any age. Secondly you would have noticed that the goal of the post is to be able to have back and forth conversations with teenagers. Explanations tend to turn into monologues which are not productive. Solid instruction forms the basis for dialogue and productive conversations. It is these conversations with older children and teenagers that lead to understanding.
Carlos see response to you question addressed to you in the comment section.
This is terrible. For one, the exegesis here is horrible. The author has completely proof-texted Ephesians to make it say what he wants. Ephesians is referring to parent-child relationships within the Greco-Roman household code which was VASTLY different than the parent-child relationship in the U.S. today.
Additionally, I think it is very important for children to understand the “why?” of their actions. I have a two year old daughter and I am constantly instructing her with direct instructions and explanations. For example: “You need to share your toys because sharing what we have is one way that we show our friends we love them.” It builds framework for translation to life as she gets older. The concept is not just “don’t be a brat, share” it’s “We love others because God loves us, and God owns all things so we are to be gracious and share with others.” This works for 2-year-old toy battles and translates through life as older children, teenagers and adults.
If we fail to teach our children why they are called and commanded by Christ to behave a certain way, that’s pretty shallow discipleship indeed, which is really what Christian parents are doing right? Discipling our children.
Megan, immediately below are the two verses you are concerned about. Paul was first a Hebrew scholar of significant repute. It is not sound exegesis to say these two passages are not connected.
Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 5:16
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3
To you other concerns: There was nothing in the post to suggest that “don’t be a brat, share” is acceptable instruction. I don’t know where you got that idea, but it wasn’t from anything you read in this post. If you read to the end of the post you would see that the goal of instruction is to be able to have constructive two way conversations with older children and teenagers. The “why” for young children is found in Ephesians 6:1, “obey for this is right.” As children grow older back and forth communication and dialogue is the goal. This is where the why and the questions and understanding comes to fruition. Parents should never be afraid of questions, the more the better. Too many times explanations become lengthy and detailed and turn into monologues.
The biblical goal of parental instruction is always to have an openness where children are free and able to discuss what is on their heart, whether this is difficult to hear or not. Hope this is helpful to you. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
What is Biblical instruction?
Biblical instruction is at once kind, gracious, sensitive, gentle, and authoritative. It encourages questions from the earliest days that a child can talk. Questions are good and must be welcomed and answered with care and concern. Biblical instruction avoids clichés, harsh quips, anger and frustration. It is patient and does not keep a running tally of wrongs. Biblical instruction requires humility on the part of parents. It refuses to pre-judge or jump to conclusions. Biblical instruction equips. Biblical instruction cannot be taught by rote or adherence to blind allegiance. It is fueled by hope, not fear. It does not shut down opposing points of view, but engages them.
Biblical Instruction requires parents to be sensitive, compassionate listeners. Biblical instruction is given with patience and pleasant words. It is centered on truth, not stereotype. This instruction meets children where they are with the grace and wisdom of God’s word. The goal of biblical instruction is to prepare children to handle the challenges of a world committed to the glory of man instead of to the glory of God. It delights in the God-given blessing of children. It rejoices in the value and worth of each child. Biblical instruction quickly acknowledges the sins of parents and eagerly pursues children’s forgiveness when needed.
Most of all, biblical instruction recognizes that a child’s most profound need is the wisdom of God rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ and illuminated by the Holy Spirit.
Please see the comment in this section or the post entitled “What is biblical instruction.” Hope this helps. Thanks for your comment.
That’s where biblical instruction comes in. Please see the comment or post defining biblical instruction either in the comment section or in the post.
The Bible is what provides Christians with directions and calling. No need for cell phones, or emails. The specific directions are in the book. Thanks for your comments.
Jim, the problem is not so much the length, but in helping a young child to quickly respond to his mother. The shorter one is more direct and indicates the place of authority that Ephesians 6:1-4 gives to the parents. As children grow older more feedback from the child should be desired. The biblical goal for parents to teach their children that they both are under the authority of God. A 3 year is not in the position to determine how a household should be run. As children grasp that they and their parents are both accountable to God, this helps prevent breakdowns with older children and teenagers. Following what i am suggested will result in more time spent in conversation and seeking mutual understanding as children grow into the teenage years. Don’t know if this helps. Thanks again for your comment.
This is a good point. I see many parents who over explain, but expect no obedience. There are times we need to obey with no explanation. If my child was about to step on a snake, I would tell them to run, no time for explanation.