Do you listen well?

Posted on October 7, 2016 · Posted in Communication, Marriage, Parenting

ear

You give your wife flowers and say you love her, but she remains distant.

You apologize to your teenager for being angry and tell him you love him, but
the barriers are still up.

You give your middle-schooler an expensive birthday present with a note that says “I love you”, yet her smile is only half-hearted.

Is the answer more flowers, a bigger and better present, a more sincere apology? Probably not. However, there is one thing you can do that will demonstrate the genuineness of your love. You can listen well.

When there is an argument it is all too easy to think you know what the other person is thinking even before the first word is spoken. The Bible calls this answering before listening. It is a shameful thing.
Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame.”

You fail to listen well when you assume that you know what the speaker means, even before he is finished speaking. This manner of “listening” leads to trouble. When your answer is based on assumptions it leads to destructive communication.

Exchanges like this are all too common:
“You are not listening to me!”
“What do you mean I am not listening to you! I heard what you said, and I don’t like it one bit.”
“You have no idea what I am trying to say. I give up!”

One way to show love in this kind of conflict is to say something like this in a calm and loving tone:

“This is what I understood from what you just said. Is that what you meant or did I misunderstand?”

Stay with it until you hear, “Yes, that is exactly what I meant.”

You might still disagree with what was said, but you have demonstrated that you are really interested in understanding. Following through with this practice will also allow you consider how you may have contributed to the conflict. Now the stage is set to bring healing and growth in troubled relationships.  You are putting Christ first and not your own interests.

Remember your goal is to represent God well, not to defend yourself and win the argument.

This is a way to show that your love is more than just words. This will strengthen your relationships and God will be honored.

Listen well, it is a good thing!

Christ All Sufficient

Jay Younts
John A. (Jay) Younts is the Shepherd Press blogger, and is a ruling elder serving at Redeemer Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church in Moore, South Carolina. He has written Everyday Talk, Everyday Talk About Sex & Marriage, Finding the Right Track, the In Touch With Paul stewardship series, and What About War. He has studied and taught about biblical childrearing for 30 years. He and his late wife Ruth have five adult children.